just me saying hi~

flailing at love~

WTF....  can't   get   it    right!!!

never
            .fucking

                   get
 it
       right~

I flail about, sugar coat untruths to hide up things I can't even put words on....I want, I want, I want.

....................................and still I want.....I try things on and still feel hunger.  Not one space left.....

wwwwwwords spoken, unkind truths...."another life ruined looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow"

His truths?      Her Truths?     My truths!

whirling about my head...... stretched ramblings,  scribbled lessons of those I give my power to.

The risk of hurting others to be true to myself fills me with such fear I become stone.......and I love~

I feel love. I take love.I rearrange love. I forfeit love...I worry it's not love. Without truth it's messy. without love what will become of me. I tried to just be...that use to bring me closer to love,,,now it just makes me want to crawl out of my skin.Where is the love love love....all you need is love.........loving you was easy.love hurts.....I forget to love me.

8 Things~

Magpie girl 's summer list of 8 things inspired me to do my own summer inventory. With spring being so long and cold this year in my neck of Canada, summer seemed to come in a flash. We litterally went from low 3-4 celc. to 28- 30 celc. overnight, with things really just heating up last week.  It seems we all wait around for it to happen and then the panic sets in to cram as many summer activities into a very short 6-8 weeks.

  I know a week is the same length everywhere,  but why does everything seem so quick and racey this time of the year.  I've never related to the phrase "lazy days of summer". With so many activities and events and weather to soak up, beaches to hit here is my list of must do's for 2011.

1- The Winnipeg folk Festival begins tommorow5 fabulous days of grooviness.

2-camping with my extended family-I have missed this family trip the past two years, therefore am looking forward to this so much. jet ski, campfires, tubing, hikes and midnight dips surrounded with tons of love and laughter.

3-as many evening cruises on my new set of wheels. A second hand bike hippy-trippied out I found at a garage sale for $3.00 that a sweetheart loverly wheeled and dealed and got it for $2.00 (so embarassed) but I forgave him as he sprung for the tuneup. Let me tell you this is the sweetest ride I have ever owned. Biking makes me happy as I spin all my cares away eeeeeeee!!

4-hit the farmers market on the weekends for fresh homemade goodness.

5- the amazing Boon Burger is just around the corner from my crib that means vegan goodness whenever I want and they have just introduced vegan soft serve ice cream made from coconut milk which means this vegan is no longer beat-the-summer-heat-with-a-treat deprived.

6-master hooping, with these hips you would thik it would be easy, My Mom is a pro. I did not get that gene.

7-attend alive raw August edition for sharing whole lving  with like minded souls.

8-smell the flowers,....nuff said~

Tickles~

I want to trace our names
on your back,
wrap us both in a
long ticklish heart

but.......

you don't like tickles.

Your walls build mountains
out of tickles.

Your walls seek out
elegant, jeweled, fingers
that don't tickle.

Your walls skew your vision,
stone, cold, concrete barrier
built too high.

To protect and sheild you say.

I just wanted to get close enough
to trace our names on your back.

~me



.

tears

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love."

~Washington Irving

sleep will come~

me having a purrrr out on the lake last weekend


It's been well over a year since I have written anything substantial. Everytime I come here there is so much to share I don't know where to begin. Perhaps if I start where I am. It will unravel in a more organic way. So much seems to have gotten left behind.....so much has been lost. I feel a need to reclaim some of the things that once brought me so much pleasure. This space where I spilled and processed and worked out my existance.

I have come to the page time and time again....My heart has pounded, I've jotted a few sentences, screamed, cried but the constriction remained. I tried to release. I just could not get real. I must above all else be real. At least about the truths I percieve.

where I am`.......

contradictions compound

I

oscillate between

shame and forgiveness


Some days I feel clear and strong, I know what I want and what it will take to get there.

Other days..............

not so much.....insecurity permeates every cell that is me

"who am I?"

I am angry, I am sunshine and light.

I crave touch and I push you away.

I crave companionship and I don't reach out.

I must create and I don't begin.

I fill up those vulnerable cells with super foods, kale, flax, maca, gojis and I eat chips.

I am frustrated and I am sunshine and I am light

I want security and I want to roam free

I am an early bird and I stay up too late

I want your truths and I cry when I hear them

I long for community and I treasure my solitude

I am scared and I am sunshine and I am light~

~me

moving forward

 

 Organic Planet~The best little grocer on the prairies

tangled

My dreads celebrated their first anniversary on December 15th~

So many people told me my dreads would become a metaphor for my life. I had no idea how accurate this would be. Twists and bumps that suddenly come out of nowhere. The imperfections felt like such an intrusion and was sooooo unwanted at first. When I release from the attatchment of what is suppose to be I feel a softening which gives way to release and I find the beauty in just accepting what is. It simply is what it is~

Today

today.....

-in a heart ripping, soul searching therapy session I discovered on a deep level I am still operating from a place of scarcity ....there will never be enough because I'm not enough....I am bad, broken and not worthy I am not worthy of patience, wealth, stability....being loved for just simply being me...not worthy of having my needs met, of being in a healthy, mature, equally giving, soulful relationship. Not worthy of being listened to, of validation, of standing in my pain without fear of abandonment.

-I loved absolutely loved my job

-I realized my chihuahua is my soul puppy and I am going to quit apologizing for his shortcomings.....he is truly a magic puppy

-I felt rejected, loved, humbled, sad, angry, grrrrr, giggly, open, sore, achy, hopeful, enlightened, skinny, fat, crazy, bumpy, stretchy~

-I am beginning to feel healings again

-I am not very funny

Cat Power - Good Woman

I am a good women~

I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man
And this is why I will be leaving

And this is why, I can't see you no more
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love this love forever

I don't want be a bad women
And I can't stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love this love forever



And this is why, I am leaving
And this is why, I can't see you no more
This is why, I am lying when I say
That I don't love you no more

'Cause I want to be a good women
And I want, for you to be a good man

lonely, bored, sad, confused.......

I want a heart willing to fight for me


patient


tender

...strong enough to sit with my pain withought thinking it will rob or steal from their big pile of life pleasure~

Someone really ready to soothe my soul like a sweet balm


not

pick

at


scabs

not

yet

healed~

strong arms that don't pull away too soon .....

I tear us apart? quit being so fucking afraid of not having everything so comfortably your way



(no sweet picture just bare bones me)

Happy 21st Birthday Son

She made her promise so brave and strong, proudly announcing to everyone...'this one will be my sisters baby"
I made mine silently "no matter what happens our love for each other would never change."
I would watch in awe when she would point and make me guess "fist or foot?"
and my throat would tighten with even more astonishment realizing her love for me.
We both watched you grow in her belly and with her amazing love and gentle encouragement, you grew right into my heart.
It was the ultimate sacrifice a sister could make.
She risked breaking her own heart to heal mine.
And as if to affirm all was as it should be, you came swift and easy and at the perfect moment......a moment of pure love!
With my cheek next to hers they placed you between the two of us Love child.......and she looked at me with so much joy and happiness and whispered in my ear "your baby is here"!

landmass by Bitch

landmass by Bitch

I will use my penny jar for her new C.D......I'm in love~

life~

this was taking through skype so the quality isn't great but I wanted to share a pic of my son and my new furbaby (Poncho)a rescue chi from Mexico.... I am so in love with them both~

I am currently going through some major changes both physically, and emotionally I am teetering on the edge of wellness and ick. I am also processing lots and will share when I am ready. In the meantime I could use all the positive energy, blessings, prayers, and encouragement you can spare. Loving you****

Tangled Love

Happy 4 month Birthday my little dreadlets you are growing up so fast morphing into soft mature dreads.....soon I won't be able to call you my littel dreadlets~

rant in a while

I am all for cruelty free purchases and I am trying more and more every day to be more mindful of any purchases I make. I have recently transitioned to 100% vegan. No wait. I have been called out. Are those shoes of yours real leather? your sofa is made of what? Have you ever thought about where the hairs from your makeup brushes come from?

Watch out for the vegan police lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on those who make the claim to vegan-ism while wearing their favorite old pair of Birkenstocks. Just saying.

Those of us who who are called to make changes in our lives know that most lasting changes happen over a long period of time. It has taken me about two years to change my diet to 100% vegan.

But getting rid of everything I owned pre-consciousness raising is kinda like throwing the baby out with the bathwater don't ya think? What about over consuming and the damage it causes landfill and our precious Mother.

Now I have never been one to hurt animals but I admit I was ignorant to a lot of things when it came to the treatment and care of animals. This was a time when good shoes were made of leather and I dreamed of owning a fine Italian leather sofa after 17 years with the same old kid puked on, wine spilled, dog smelly sofa and I certainly did not give one twinkling of a thought as to where the hair on my makeup brushes came from.

But consciousness gets raised one gentle moment at a time for me. What I mean is thank you people for asking the hard questions but thank you even more people who know how to do this tactfully without finger pointing.

I was confused lately when reading a blog and the person asked the later of the questions "Ever thought about where your makeup brushes come from?" and it seemed her immediate solution upon discovering where was to throw out the old one and get a new one. How and why anyone would ever come to the conclusion to just discard something for the sake of replacing it with something animal friendly.

I don't purchase leather shoes anymore but I am certainly not prepared to throw out any leather I owned pre-conscious raising. I simply make use of what I have, give thanks to the poor animal that lost it's life to serve me and in it's honour agree to choose and purchase carefully in the future.

Sure I admit I dream of an all organic eco and animal concious home where everything is made from natural fibres grown with renewable tread lightly on momma materials.....but imagine everyone throwing out or re-thrifting all of those things that didn't fit the pure vegan list at once. Who does it serve if it hits the landfill or somebody else is wearing my old leather belt.

I suppose one could argue it gives sellers an idea of what products we refuse to buy and which ones we prefer. One could also make the point it may be more helpful to slow down consumerism. Use up what you have, find a new purpose for what has worn out and when absolutely necessary choose carefully when making new purchases. Keep asking those questions but be gentle.

Don't treat your old animal products like they are contaminated. I say give them the honour they deserve.

The Great Rice Experiment

I was inspired by Dr Masaru EmotuÈs Great Rice Experiment back in September. This is a picture from my own rice experiment for more experiments checkout these youtube videos

Recently I have been struggling with not being able to validate my own feelings. When this happens, I usually spiral out of control with self judgements and extreme criticism.

I had been feeling a bit of disappointment in my recent trip to Mexico. I have a hard time acknowledging feelings like this and ended up filling up on judgements like ...it is your karma for being greedy indulging in two trips within two months....you are being ungrateful...you are so selfish selfish selfish....you do not deserve that much happiness , you have reached your happiness quota.....Stop!!!! I was disappointed in having two full days of rain, I was disappointed that my Mom and Papa got very sick with viruses while I was there. A few things did not happen that were suppose to happen....hence the disappointment. It is what I felt...period....no judgement for feelings. No blame. Just simply validating I feel disappointed in some of my trip.

Up until I was able to acknowledge my feelings, I was left irritable, exhausted, emotionally deregulated from all the negative self talk. Now it just is what it is. I can appreciate the time I had with my parents, the opportunity I had in volunteering at the free spay neuter clinic the snowbirds organize each year. The yummy meals, the laughter and the beauty and enormity of the ocean I am deeply and madly in love with and got to spend a lot of time in solitude listening to and watching her majestic loveliness.

When we do not validate our feelings we get caught up in self defeating patterns which in turn can have detrimental effects on our emotional and physical selves. The words we use on ourselves consciously or unconsciously have real effects on our bodies and psyches....It is science....I challenge you to do the rice experiment.

One cup of rice in two separate but identical sealed containers. On one write the words YOU FOOL and on the other write the words THANK YOU facing both outward and inward...each day pick up the rice and say the words to the appropriate jars. After 2 weeks you will begin to notice a difference. Some people have been doing their rice experiments for Orv a year with astounding results....and then be gentle with the words you use on yourself.

Day # 10 Master Cleanse

I did it!!!!

and happy 2 month birthday to my dreadlets

Day #9 Master Cleanse

Sorry it has taken me so long to post my update. I have been trying to find my balance since coming off the cleanse.

This picture was taken a week ago and I was on day nine of the Master cleanse. We received a beautiful frost overnight. It really was smooth sailing from day six on. The only struggle was, I did became a bit impatient and thought a lot bout what I was going to eat.

The best part of the cleanse was how level I felt in my moods. There was a quiet evenness that settled in me.

Day #8 Master Cleanse

Things just feel better and better. If you are thinking about doing the Master cleanse I say DO IT! Do your research, read some inspiring stories of those who have done it and learn what to expect, prepare space and time to support your journey and go for it. Feel free to ask me any questions, I'll help if I can or direct you to the best place to go for your answers. If you feel your body is needing a cleanse, if you feel tired and want to break some old habits in a new way, give it a try. If you don't feel ready for a 10 day cleanse try a one day juice fast, sometimes it is enough to inspire healthy changes. My biggest tip...."one moment at a time".


****biggest bonus so far.....12 pound weight loss. I say bonus because that was not the reason I chose to do it but I'm kinda lovin the way that happened.

Day#7 Master Cleanse

And so it is~

Day seven was suppose to be the hardest. It was by far the easiest....My energy level was up....my tongue is completely pink and healthy. I feel strong and balanced. I think my pre-detox helped.

Four months ago I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired so I gave up all caffeine and sugar and processed food. I drank a green smoothie and chlorophyll water daily as well as began eating raw one day a week and 50% of my diet was raw. I switched from rices to Quinoa and when I ate any type of bread or pasta it was high fibre grains. Of course water, water, water.

I believe this is why my detox symptoms were minimal compared to what others have experienced and why my tongue pinked up so quickly. It appears I was already detoxing.

I am finally experiencing some clear thinking. There has been some shifts in place I have felt stuck. I have new ideas stirring and that feels exciting and wonderful.


I am still taking one day at a time after all this moment is all we have.

Day #6 Master Cleanse

I smear this on my body

Woke up clear and strong this morning, Did the salt water flush, I just distracted in my mind and chugged it down as fast as I could. Enjoyed my first lemonade. Felt energized so I decided to deep clean the spare room. I guess the energy was an illusion because did I feel weak after.

I drank another lemonade for energy and then went for a steam bath as they are suppose to aid with detoxing. I am a beginner at steam baths so only did 15 minutes and damn it was hot. I rinsed off with cool water and then went home and did some dry skin brushing which I have been trying to do each day. I followed with a hot shower scrubbing up with Dr.Bronner's Peppermint Soap which is invigorating and leaves me tingly. When I get out I slather myself with organic coconut oil. for the benefits of all these yummy self care treats just click on the word to link. My skin was glowie and it now feels soft all over.

I felt kinda soft and tender on the inside too so I decided to have nap. I woke up feeling tired and achy. It is sometimes hard to trust this process. Is it really the detoxing or is my body lacking something it is not getting. Despite the achiness I was starving so I made myself a big bowl of lime slushy with purified ice cubes. That made me cold which made me crave hot comfort foods like a big bowl of steaming hot soup with crusty bread. I am miserable at night I know but I wanted to be honest in sharing about this process.

Tonight again I can choose to end this but I have things coming up from my past about being a quitter. About giving up when the going gets tough. I have read this comes up for others as well. I need to explore this memory for facts. Is it true or is it me holding onto things I mark as quitting. The truth is often times I hung in or onto things longer than what was good for me. I really need to explore this further.

Right now I still feel weak and achy with a headache threatening. I think I will turn in for the night.

I know this is long but it is really for me to mark journey I thought would be impossible, and here I am day six over. I have big willpower I am discovering.

Day #5 Master Cleanse

more lemons for me~


I woke up and did nothing, then I decided to meditate for a while. Then I decided that after yesterday I would be extra gentle with myself. I forgave myself the salt water flush this morning instead just drinking a quart of plain steam distilled pure yummy yummy water. Surprisingly though I didn't gag I still felt very nauseous for about the first half hour. Which is when I usually have my first elimination (nice way of saying poop). I know now it is not the same without the salt. I know there is a scientific explanation but if I tried I would botch it. If you want more information you should check out the Master Cleanse website where I downloaded my e-book.

After the water I made myself a hot mug of peppermint tea.

My thoughts today are: I still have a headache, it is bearable. After yesterdays elimination and discovering corn (yes Master Cleansers become obsessed with their poop)which I ate last Saturday (where does this stuff sit for so long?) I thought maybe there really is something to this cleanse. Today is the halfway mark. I am OK at the moment so I will continue for now. My tongue is already beginning to pink up and my skin for some reason looks radiant.

Off to make a lemonade....more later.

later....I went to pick up my probiotics to have on hand when this cleanse is over....along with the bad bacteria my body is also being depleted of the good bacteria which will be replaced by the probiotics. Which is another reason it is important to use the finest of ingredients when doing the cleanse. Pure steam distilled water, non iodized sea salt, organic lemons and limes, organic grade B maple syrup, and organic cayenne pepper. If I am trying to rid my body of toxins I don't want to be putting them in at the same time.

Speaking of fine ingredients, on my first day I bought some Meyers lemon. When I got to the register The clerk asked if they were Meyers or the regular organic. I asked her "is there a difference?" The Meyers were about a whole dollar more a pound. This of course made me curious. I bought them, reasoning that hey I'm not spending money on food I am worth the difference. The neat thing was I was blog surfing that evening and somebody had devoted a whole post to Meyers lemons and how much she loved them and when they came out how she indulged. It made me feel like I had a secret treasure. I thought they were quite lovely but didn't realize how much so until I bought the regular ones on my next lemon run. The Meyers were way sweeter and lemony with a softer feel, less acidic. So next run will be Meyers lemons.

Lots of yummy smells tonight which I thoroughly enjoy. I have learned that even with a heightened sense of smell I am not triggered by yummy smells. Yummy smells are just that "yummy smells" completely calorie free. I even smelled somebody grilling outside today and I loved it. The visuals are entirely different story which is why I am staying away from food blogs and limiting my T.V. too many food commercials. I am definately triggered by visuals. If I see it I want it.

Tonight I rented the movie Frida the story of Mexican female artist Frida Khalo...there is a very sexy dance scene between Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd. I want to know Frida's story. I want to know the story behind the gypsy looking woman portraits with the uni-brow. Having just been to Mexico in December and going back next month. I am intrigued by the fascination with this women.

Tonight has been the best night so far. I feel calm and strong and believe I can get through another five days. I am sure hoping day four was the worst of it.

Day # 4 Master cleanse

that about captures my day 4~

I had to gag down the Salt water flush and literally felt like there was an ocean sitting in my belly waiting to spew a tsunami. From there it was all down hill. My tongue is so sore from the lemon drink, of course on the Master Cleanse advice forum it's "your detoxing,your detoxing" A-holes!!!!. Did I mention it was a cynical day full of skepticism. I whined to anyone who would listen. I think I wanted somebody to give me permission to quit. Instead I got, "you can do this" and things like "you go girl", "remember why you chose to do this in the first place". Damn supportive friends. I felt like I was starving all day, the headache persisted. More whining and complaing. "Your detoxing!. your detoxing!" said with a mimicky voice (Can you begin a sentence with Quotation marks" anyway rooooooooaaarrrrrrr!!!!! The misery persisted and I should have resisted but I went with it and cried and whined and swore and damned all my food issues. I couldn't even write this yesterday and had to sensor this post as it is.

It was also my day to work which added stress on things as I couldn't focus on being gentle, I had to focus on others needs for eight and a half hours. So I was also completely and utterly drained when I got home.

Then I remembered that the Master Cleanse e-book said. Those who carry extra weight may experience more violent detoxing symptoms as fat cells store toxins. So they may need to change it up to a slower, more gentle form of detoxing through a raw food diet. Once I remembered that option it was already 5:00 p.m.. I realized if I chose to discontinue this it would not be a complete failure and I could switch to plan B. For some reason, maybe it was my first real moment of mental clarity but I decided to not make the decision when I had already almost completed my worst day. I did not want to make this deciosion from such an emotionl place. I chose to have my senna leaf tea and see how I felt in the morning and so it went.

I would also like to thank Cindy, and halfqueergrrl for chatting with me for 2 hours last night. They helped me distract from my hunger and filled me up with laughter and good conversation...you guys are the best!!

Day #3 Master cleanse

If only

Day 3 was suppose to be one of the worst... I didn't find it too bad. The salt water flush was the easiest so far. I still had a gnawing headache. but it was bearable.
I am probably not drinking enough water. My tongue has this thick white coating on it, part of the detox process. You are suppose to continue the cleanse until your tongue pinks up which may go past day 10. No epiphanies or feelings of enlightenment yet. Some say the experience is spiritual, it's definitely an opportunity to practice mindfulness. Apparently the best is yet to come and isn't usually experienced until you are past day seven. That is when the real desire to eat goes away. I am taking things one day at a time or one hour at a time and even one moment at a time.

Day #2 master cleanse

My new dreamy curtains~


I am already into day three but will write about it at the end of the day. Day 3 is suppose to be the hardest but I can't imagine it to be the challenge day 2 was. I had made a plan to be gentle and just do nourishing things like journal and meditate, some reading maybe a steam bath. Yesterday was a day filled with emotion...due to some upsetting situations I needed to deal with on the home front. I know I haven't spoken much of the people in my home as a request by them. It has worked fairly well as I use this blog as a journal at times and a place to attend and nurture my autonomy. That being said I had to deal with some serious issues that required some boundary setting and emotions were high. I did get through it and feel stronger for it.

The cleanse- I went to bed on day #1 thinking I cannot do this for 10 days. I went to bed grumpy, hungry and tired I woke up on day #2 clear headed and full of energy. with more enthusiasm to detox than I did beginning. I went to bed dreading the salt water flush and woke up saying "I can do this" and I did and it was easier than the first time. I feel full after doing it which helps because you aren't supposed to have your first lemon drink for one half hour at least. By the time you are ready for your fist one it tastes so good and refreshing and satisfying.

By noon I was developing a slight headache and I know it is not a caffeine withdrawal because I cut out all caffeine four months ago. Just a detox symptom I think.

I also had to attend an all team staff meeting where I mentioned something and was completely invalidated. I won't talk about details out of respect for our program which I believe really attends to the needs of people who are recovering and dealing with mental health illnesses.

Evening more conflict and the headache was getting stronger. I decided to just go to bed early and hope tomorrow was a better day. I forgot to drink my senna leaf tea and to do my dry skin-brushing and hot shower before bed.....my focus really dwindled by the evening.

Master Cleanse Day #1

I have decided to do the Master Cleanse. I was inspired by Boho girl. This was her third time doing it. I have followed her journey twice and the first time I couldn't imagine getting through one day never mind 10. However her enthusiasm for all things healing is utterly infectious....I know I am not the only one to be inspired. So I purchased the e-book and have been preparing myself for about two weeks now.

I planned the timing in a way that would only leave me having to work 2 out of the 10 days. I have done my research and want to be prepared for any detox symptoms that show up.

Each day I begin my morning with a salt flush that consists of 2 teaspoons of non iodized sea salt in a quart of warm water. Today this has been the hardest part of day one....I am already dreading tomorrow morning and wasting too much time thinking about it.

Throughout the day I drink 6-8 10 oz glasses of purified water with 2 Tablespoons of freshly squeezed organic lemon juice, 2Tablespoons of organic grade B maple syrup and at least 1/10 teaspoon of organic cayenne pepper.

I can drink as much water and herbal teas as I wish with my last drink of the day being a laxative tea. ( I am using smooth move)

Yep....that's it. No food and I made it through day one. Go me!

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be except for the salt flush. It's new though and I am very enthusiastic about this and the positives that will come.

I was nauseous all morning not sure why, probably the salt flush as I don't think I would have been detoxing yet. My sense of smell seems to be heightened tenfold. Today when I smelled cooking instead of trying to get away I sat with it and really smelled. I played with it in my mind, telling myself this was as good as eating and became very mindful and savoured it. The smells became meditative.


I don't know if I will get through 10 days which is what is required as a minimum for this detox to be effective, but today has already given me somethings. I accomplished a 24 hour fast and learned new mindfulness technique. I will try and listen to my body. I want to do this because it feels right and I want to be able to let it go if I need to without guilt and feelings that I failed.

I want to shed the toxins my body has been holding on to, so apropo as I want to shed other things in my life at this time and hope this process gives me some mental clarity on these issues.

I'm feeling hungry and tired right now and am trying to be gentle with me so I am going to go to bed and read....more tomorrow

g'night

finally....my word of the year

LAUGHTER

Where I spent the Holidays

My computer is fixed somewhat...it is back from the repair store anyway. I had to do a lot of self repairs....as the job was complete, but more on that another time. I was able to finally download my pictures and will start sharing them. I am also going to go back in February as I fell in love with La Penita a charming little fishing village in Nayarit Mexico. This was my last walk on the beach before returning home....the beach is so private and there is also a turtle sanctuary. until February I am trying out a S.A.D. light. I am not sure if it is working or I am just so excited about returning.

Five Senses Friday

Continuing on with Curious Girl"s Five senses Friday ...such a wonderful exercise in mindfulness

See

-wrinkly dry fingers that desperately need to be moisturized
-a dusty stapler
-grey dull light beyond the windows
-strange light from my new S.A.D. machine
-10 bottles of various essential oils

smell

-sandalwood
-sweet orange oil
-dust....yes dust has a smell
-toast browning
-Osho (cage needs cleaning)

taste

-lemon water with cayenne
-mocha greek yogurt
-sliced bananas
-cacao nibs
-dark roast yerba mate

hear

-squeak of the mouse
-click of the keys
-feet kicking the puffy duvet
-traffic outside
-whir of the hardrive

feel

-cold toes
-itchy from this scratchy housecoat(need to throw it out)
-strain on my lower back (reminding me of my posture)
-the burn in my throat from the mixture of lemon and cayenne
-doubt and fear about the upcoming master cleanse I am going to attempt

Just words~

~there is more to the title of this blog than I am ready to talk about
~My computer is in for repairs so no picture posts and little time to write
~I spent the holidays in La Penita where my Mommy spends the winter; it was delicios
~I am having a hard time returning to reality and staying warm
~My dread-lock journey continues
~I have some serious decisions to make
~I will be trying a S.A.D. light beginning tomorrow
~I have few hopes and dreams that seem coherent enough to put into words at this time
~I know I am struggling
~I continue to work hard at healing and strengthening my body through Nutrition, Yoga, walking and meditation.
~I have errands to do but can't bring myself to face the -45 celsius today
~I want to create a womyn's circle that meets regularly to support and nurture one another to create a space we can be held in safety
~I want to visit a friend in Indiana in February
~I am looking for an eggplant recipe today
~I feel poetry inside me again
~I need to create and don't know where to begin
~My restless legs are becoming excruciating again
~ with the achy legs, sore joints, numb toes, I am afraid there is something wrong with me that they have not found yet....this is the first time I have admitted to this fear
~I feel sad for my rat Osho because his brother died and they have been together since birth and and he is two....he must be lonely (am I projecting?)
~when I look outside everything looks frozen and stiff
~I smell sandalwood
~I will create a reading list for 2010 if you have any suggestions please share
~it's noon and I am going to have a hot bath because again I cannot get warm
~I want a mentor....somebody who is a little crunchy,loves music, art, photography, who makes me laugh and knows how to play, who believes in the power of women and the importance of building each other up, challenges me intellectually in a respectful way, who sees in me my potential and can motivate me to push through my fears, who will introduce me to her world and tell me there is a vacancy there.

DREADLOCKS another check on my life list~

I did it I took the plunge....I have always wanted long beautiful natural and free dreads. I have followed BOHO GIRL on her journey and was inspired by her story ....I too dreamed of them for so long and put it off due to others reaction and misconceptions about dreadlocks. Two weeks ago I said F*#@ it.

I was also going to wait until my hair got longer but one of my bff Lorraine said "why wait? It's a journey and we grow with our dreads."

It's so true. Mine are baby dreads. They are a little wonky and a whole lot of wabi-sabi. They are finding their way...and place that fits. I also feel like this is where I am. My life feels full of new and exciting changes. A little awkward as I find my way of really honouring and healing my body through nutrition and exercise....I sometimes recognize I am stiff and rigid when I hold onto ideas of perfectionism and get stuck in the idea I must be a purist to not be thought a fraud or a wannabe. When I get quiet and wait the Goddess speaks, She gently reminds me of my inner truth, I relax deeper into who I really am. It is a journey that's not always easy or pretty....but this journey is mine to discover and experience. Wild, pokey, frizzy yet deliciously unpredictable and full of cute sweet surprises.

I will share more on how my dreads were made, a evening of dreaded love as friends and dear-hearts gathered to make this dream a reality.

My List of Ten and counting~

Mock pumkin curry with spinich and macadamian salad


I was inspired today to create this list byIsabelle, a member of My Crazy Sexy Life. I've been struggling with my recent changes in diet...It feels hard, I have lost my enthusiasm. It's so much work at times and I let that work overshadow all that I have accomplished and the reasons I made these changes. To get inspired and learn a great way to get yourself through a weak moment go hereand add this great list then begin to create your own.

1-That was my old life...and I am creating my new life!

2-My back and hips are healing and getting stronger everyday.

3-Preparing and planning puts me in control and reduces vulnerabilities.

4-I feel balanced emotionally and spiritually...Its my bodies time to feel that wholeness.

5-I won't be happier after I eat this. Taking care of ME is not a burden! IT'S a JOY!!

6-Eat junk, feel like junk...Eat whole Foods, Feel whole!

7-I'm so happy after I practice Yoga, walk, swim, dance.

8-I am worth the effort, Big changes are mine.

9-temporary comfort...is not worth the long term consequences.

10-I love my new life.

I love this~ thanks Cindy...You get me!!

The Red Tent

The irony of this post is that as I finish this amazing book The Red Tent by Anita Diamant I am also finishing my moon time. And as usual it was excruciating....not in the damn these cramps feel like labour pains and I lost so much blood I need a transfusion kinda way like some of my sister friends. More like there is this painful unexpressed longing deep, deep inside, perhaps an ancient memory. I crave a space, a ritual, a way to honour this time kinda way.

What happens instead I try to have a "Happy Period", continue on my merry way as if nothing at all is different. I try to buck up, not complain, and certainly not show the wildness that comes at me like a fierce storm. Swell upon Swell of waves of emotion. I suffer silently, I am used to suffering silently in this way as I have been silenced for so long by a source outside of myself. I have been put in this situation month after month since I was 10 years old, when I saw my first blood. Hide the pads, tampax, stained panties (from whom?)don't talk about it except in whispers or degrading jokes. I turn inward, always alone.... asking myself, why do I feel this way?...where does my reasoning go?, all thoughts appear irrational in their form. I never feel equipped. More waves, anger turns inward, "FAT, UGLY, LAZY, SLOB." I plead with myself, the whine inside my head "I am so tired" countered with carry on, so what if you don't feel like it, millions of womyn everyday don't feel like it, suck it up butter cup, PUSH"

Of course I'm not equipped, most of us aren't. It is a time for gentleness. something big and beautiful is happening. We aren't meant to just carry on. We are full with vision, and dreams,ripe with emotion that requires someplace special to hold all that is yet to be revealed. Putting a cap on all that creative st iring can only lead to misery and angst. That is why they built Red Tents. place to contain such power and greatness.

I want to build red tent society....I crave that kind of community with womyn I found inside the pages of The Red Tent....It confirmed for me that it is an ancient knowing. We are suppose to gather together as womyn during our moon time. To laugh, share secrets, nurture, give strength to one another, dream, and simply rest. It is our souls knowing. To mark the time as sacred, not just as the marking of maiden, mother, and crone. Forever, for always with each passing moon.

I am going to create space in my bedroom and call it The red tent. I am going to encourage my Mother, sisters, friends, nieces to honour this time. Validate the ancient rememberings. Find ways of sharing this time together. Dreaming, writing, resting, eating, drinking, dancing, singing, chanting, screaming, crying, purging the years of silence and lost beauty of the moon time. I will rub my sisters back with clary sage infused oils, make them mugs of tea and sweet baked goods, ask what they need, listen, remind them of their strength and how glowy-gorgeous they look all succulent and ripe. For those who cannot allow themselves this sacred time I will simply hold a place for them.

And so it is~

today~

~love
~yoga
~green smoothie
~vegie chili( leftovers for work)
~work on crochet wrist warmers
~pick up labels and grease pencil at Michaels
~skype with Mommy in Mexico
~swim
~hot tub
~finish The Red Tent

My Dad....Lest We Forget~

My Dad Remembrance Day Kenora 2009~lead colour party




Photo's by Lee-Anne Carver

expression beginnings

I recently won a creativity kit from this amazing womyn and these are my first pages of play in my art journal, inspired by the first piece of the kit "making friends with your creativity. I am trying to make more time to work through her delicious kit which can be purchased from Andrea on her website. This was my beginning and though I enjoyed doing these two pages, I realized I want a different type of art journal. I would like one with white pages the one I started with is purple and not great for painting. If anyone has any suggestions that would be great.

I have also just recently taken a few beginner painting classes and am really loving the learning. There is so much more to it than I could ever imagine. I feel like such a baby and realize how naive I have been when it came to the technical parts of creating art. Now I realize it is about just getting in there and trying and making mistakes, but I find when I do make mistakes I want to ask other creative beings how they solve their art blunders. Like what is the best type of art journal for different types of mediums ie. water colors, water pencils, ink, chalk, pastels, glue.

I have also been dreaming up ways to turn the spare room into a studio of sorts. That is if the man child ever moves out, yes he has travelled for long periods but his stuff doesn't travel with him. He is currently back home also taking some classes, but I digress.(I always wanted to write that....giggle)

I am really enjoying trying out different ways to express my creativity, I feel a little uncertain and scared at times. It requires a whole lot of self talk to let go in this way and especially to shar., Even if it is crap...it really is the process. I may never make great art but I sure like the magic of the unfolding and uncovering.

A Halloween Paradox

This is my son's biological brother, despite their love for one another they are polar opposites. He is perfectionist and went as his favorite gaming character Vincent something. He spent months on this costume, paying $80.00 for red contact lenses, even hiring a seamstress to make his cape-let, every detail perfectly executed. The passion!! I am encouraging him to look into costume design and theatre makeup artistry.


and this....is my son, the minimalist, a down loadable printable mask and he is
HOBO-ama~


Both had a great time celebrating Halloween in their individual styles, good on them!

felt like chewing my breakfast this morning and break outs~

Lots of fruit and two big mugs of roasted dandelion root and burdock. Trying to clear up a major breakout from recent detox. If anyone has any other suggestions beside water, water, water, chlorophyll, tea tree oil spot treatments. I would love to hear.