Ambrosia Living

just me saying hi~

2011-11-05T12:09:00.000-05:00

flailing at love~

2011-08-10T22:24:00.000-05:00

WTF.... can't   get   it    right!!!

never
            .fucking

                   get
it
       right~

I flail about, sugar coat untruths to hide up things I can't even put words on....I want, I want, I want.

....................................and still I want.....I try things on and still feel hunger. Not one space left.....

wwwwwwords spoken, unkind truths...."another life ruined looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow"

His truths?      Her Truths?    My truths!

whirling about my head...... stretched ramblings, scribbled lessons of those I give my power to.

The risk of hurting others to be true to myself fills me with such fear I become stone.......and I love~

I feel love. I take love.I rearrange love. I forfeit love...I worry it's not love. Without truth it's messy. without love what will become of me. I tried to just be...that use to bring me closer to love,,,now it just makes me want to crawl out of my skin.Where is the love love love....all you need is love.........loving you was easy.love hurts.....I forget to love me.

8 Things~

2011-07-05T12:28:00.001-05:00

Magpie girl 's summer list of 8 things inspired me to do my own summer inventory. With spring being so long and cold this year in my neck of Canada, summer seemed to come in a flash. We litterally went from low 3-4 celc. to 28- 30 celc. overnight, with things really just heating up last week. It seems we all wait around for it to happen and then the panic sets in to cram as many summer activities into a very short 6-8 weeks.

I know a week is the same length everywhere, but why does everything seem so quick and racey this time of the year. I've never related to the phrase "lazy days of summer". With so many activities and events and weather to soak up, beaches to hit here is my list of must do's for 2011.

1- The Winnipeg folk Festival begins tommorow5 fabulous days of grooviness.

2-camping with my extended family-I have missed this family trip the past two years, therefore am looking forward to this so much. jet ski, campfires, tubing, hikes and midnight dips surrounded with tons of love and laughter.

3-as many evening cruises on my new set of wheels. A second hand bike hippy-trippied out I found at a garage sale for $3.00 that a sweetheart loverly wheeled and dealed and got it for $2.00 (so embarassed) but I forgave him as he sprung for the tuneup. Let me tell you this is the sweetest ride I have ever owned. Biking makes me happy as I spin all my cares away eeeeeeee!!

4-hit the farmers market on the weekends for fresh homemade goodness.

5- the amazing Boon Burger is just around the corner from my crib that means vegan goodness whenever I want and they have just introduced vegan soft serve ice cream made from coconut milk which means this vegan is no longer beat-the-summer-heat-with-a-treat deprived.

6-master hooping, with these hips you would thik it would be easy, My Mom is a pro. I did not get that gene.

7-attend alive raw August edition for sharing whole lving with like minded souls.

8-smell the flowers,....nuff said~

Tickles~

2011-06-22T13:14:00.003-05:00

I want to trace our names
on your back,
wrap us both in a
long ticklish heart

but.......

you don't like tickles.

Your walls build mountains
out of tickles.

Your walls seek out
elegant, jeweled, fingers
that don't tickle.

Your walls skew your vision,
stone, cold, concrete barrier
built too high.

To protect and sheild you say.

I just wanted to get close enough
to trace our names on your back.

~me

.

tears

2011-06-15T23:21:00.001-05:00

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love."

~Washington Irving

sleep will come~

2011-06-15T21:40:00.008-05:00

me having a purrrr out on the lake last weekend

It's been well over a year since I have written anything substantial. Everytime I come here there is so much to share I don't know where to begin. Perhaps if I start where I am. It will unravel in a more organic way. So much seems to have gotten left behind.....so much has been lost. I feel a need to reclaim some of the things that once brought me so much pleasure. This space where I spilled and processed and worked out my existance.

I have come to the page time and time again....My heart has pounded, I've jotted a few sentences, screamed, cried but the constriction remained. I tried to release. I just could not get real. I must above all else be real. At least about the truths I percieve.

where I am`.......

contradictions compound

I

oscillate between

shame and forgiveness

Some days I feel clear and strong, I know what I want and what it will take to get there.

Other days..............

not so much.....insecurity permeates every cell that is me

"who am I?"

I am angry, I am sunshine and light.

I crave touch and I push you away.

I crave companionship and I don't reach out.

I must create and I don't begin.

I fill up those vulnerable cells with super foods, kale, flax, maca, gojis and I eat chips.

I am frustrated and I am sunshine and I am light

I want security and I want to roam free

I am an early bird and I stay up too late

I want your truths and I cry when I hear them

I long for community and I treasure my solitude

I am scared and I am sunshine and I am light~

~me

moving forward

2011-02-24T07:15:00.001-06:00

Organic Planet~The best little grocer on the prairies

tangled

2011-01-24T22:21:00.004-06:00

My dreads celebrated their first anniversary on December 15th~

So many people told me my dreads would become a metaphor for my life. I had no idea how accurate this would be. Twists and bumps that suddenly come out of nowhere. The imperfections felt like such an intrusion and was sooooo unwanted at first. When I release from the attatchment of what is suppose to be I feel a softening which gives way to release and I find the beauty in just accepting what is. It simply is what it is~

Today

2010-11-02T21:52:00.005-05:00

today.....

-in a heart ripping, soul searching therapy session I discovered on a deep level I am still operating from a place of scarcity ....there will never be enough because I'm not enough....I am bad, broken and not worthy I am not worthy of patience, wealth, stability....being loved for just simply being me...not worthy of having my needs met, of being in a healthy, mature, equally giving, soulful relationship. Not worthy of being listened to, of validation, of standing in my pain without fear of abandonment.

-I loved absolutely loved my job

-I realized my chihuahua is my soul puppy and I am going to quit apologizing for his shortcomings.....he is truly a magic puppy

-I felt rejected, loved, humbled, sad, angry, grrrrr, giggly, open, sore, achy, hopeful, enlightened, skinny, fat, crazy, bumpy, stretchy~

-I am beginning to feel healings again

-I am not very funny

Cat Power - Good Woman

2010-11-01T23:59:00.000-05:00

I am a good women~

2010-11-01T23:53:00.000-05:00

I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man
And this is why I will be leaving

And this is why, I can't see you no more
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love this love forever

I don't want be a bad women
And I can't stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love this love forever

And this is why, I am leaving
And this is why, I can't see you no more
This is why, I am lying when I say
That I don't love you no more

'Cause I want to be a good women
And I want, for you to be a good man

lonely, bored, sad, confused.......

2010-10-31T22:46:00.004-05:00

I want a heart willing to fight for me

patient

tender

...strong enough to sit with my pain withought thinking it will rob or steal from their big pile of life pleasure~

Someone really ready to soothe my soul like a sweet balm

not

pick

at

scabs

not

yet

healed~

strong arms that don't pull away too soon .....

I tear us apart? quit being so fucking afraid of not having everything so comfortably your way

(no sweet picture just bare bones me)

Happy 21st Birthday Son

2010-06-10T12:39:00.001-05:00

She made her promise so brave and strong, proudly announcing to everyone...'this one will be my sisters baby"
I made mine silently "no matter what happens our love for each other would never change."
I would watch in awe when she would point and make me guess "fist or foot?"
and my throat would tighten with even more astonishment realizing her love for me.
We both watched you grow in her belly and with her amazing love and gentle encouragement, you grew right into my heart.
It was the ultimate sacrifice a sister could make.
She risked breaking her own heart to heal mine.
And as if to affirm all was as it should be, you came swift and easy and at the perfect moment......a moment of pure love!
With my cheek next to hers they placed you between the two of us Love child.......and she looked at me with so much joy and happiness and whispered in my ear "your baby is here"!

landmass by Bitch

2010-06-08T21:12:00.000-05:00

landmass by Bitch

I will use my penny jar for her new C.D......I'm in love~

life~

2010-05-09T23:44:00.002-05:00

this was taking through skype so the quality isn't great but I wanted to share a pic of my son and my new furbaby (Poncho)a rescue chi from Mexico.... I am so in love with them both~

I am currently going through some major changes both physically, and emotionally I am teetering on the edge of wellness and ick. I am also processing lots and will share when I am ready. In the meantime I could use all the positive energy, blessings, prayers, and encouragement you can spare. Loving you****

Tangled Love

2010-04-17T17:54:00.005-05:00

Happy 4 month Birthday my little dreadlets you are growing up so fast morphing into soft mature dreads.....soon I won't be able to call you my littel dreadlets~

rant in a while

2010-04-17T16:13:00.005-05:00

I am all for cruelty free purchases and I am trying more and more every day to be more mindful of any purchases I make. I have recently transitioned to 100% vegan. No wait. I have been called out. Are those shoes of yours real leather? your sofa is made of what? Have you ever thought about where the hairs from your makeup brushes come from?

Watch out for the vegan police lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on those who make the claim to vegan-ism while wearing their favorite old pair of Birkenstocks. Just saying.

Those of us who who are called to make changes in our lives know that most lasting changes happen over a long period of time. It has taken me about two years to change my diet to 100% vegan.

But getting rid of everything I owned pre-consciousness raising is kinda like throwing the baby out with the bathwater don't ya think? What about over consuming and the damage it causes landfill and our precious Mother.

Now I have never been one to hurt animals but I admit I was ignorant to a lot of things when it came to the treatment and care of animals. This was a time when good shoes were made of leather and I dreamed of owning a fine Italian leather sofa after 17 years with the same old kid puked on, wine spilled, dog smelly sofa and I certainly did not give one twinkling of a thought as to where the hair on my makeup brushes came from.

But consciousness gets raised one gentle moment at a time for me. What I mean is thank you people for asking the hard questions but thank you even more people who know how to do this tactfully without finger pointing.

I was confused lately when reading a blog and the person asked the later of the questions "Ever thought about where your makeup brushes come from?" and it seemed her immediate solution upon discovering where was to throw out the old one and get a new one. How and why anyone would ever come to the conclusion to just discard something for the sake of replacing it with something animal friendly.

I don't purchase leather shoes anymore but I am certainly not prepared to throw out any leather I owned pre-conscious raising. I simply make use of what I have, give thanks to the poor animal that lost it's life to serve me and in it's honour agree to choose and purchase carefully in the future.

Sure I admit I dream of an all organic eco and animal concious home where everything is made from natural fibres grown with renewable tread lightly on momma materials.....but imagine everyone throwing out or re-thrifting all of those things that didn't fit the pure vegan list at once. Who does it serve if it hits the landfill or somebody else is wearing my old leather belt.

I suppose one could argue it gives sellers an idea of what products we refuse to buy and which ones we prefer. One could also make the point it may be more helpful to slow down consumerism. Use up what you have, find a new purpose for what has worn out and when absolutely necessary choose carefully when making new purchases. Keep asking those questions but be gentle.

Don't treat your old animal products like they are contaminated. I say give them the honour they deserve.

The Great Rice Experiment

2010-03-03T14:27:00.002-06:00

I was inspired by Dr Masaru EmotuÈs Great Rice Experiment back in September. This is a picture from my own rice experiment for more experiments checkout these youtube videos

Recently I have been struggling with not being able to validate my own feelings. When this happens, I usually spiral out of control with self judgements and extreme criticism.

I had been feeling a bit of disappointment in my recent trip to Mexico. I have a hard time acknowledging feelings like this and ended up filling up on judgements like ...it is your karma for being greedy indulging in two trips within two months....you are being ungrateful...you are so selfish selfish selfish....you do not deserve that much happiness , you have reached your happiness quota.....Stop!!!! I was disappointed in having two full days of rain, I was disappointed that my Mom and Papa got very sick with viruses while I was there. A few things did not happen that were suppose to happen....hence the disappointment. It is what I felt...period....no judgement for feelings. No blame. Just simply validating I feel disappointed in some of my trip.

Up until I was able to acknowledge my feelings, I was left irritable, exhausted, emotionally deregulated from all the negative self talk. Now it just is what it is. I can appreciate the time I had with my parents, the opportunity I had in volunteering at the free spay neuter clinic the snowbirds organize each year. The yummy meals, the laughter and the beauty and enormity of the ocean I am deeply and madly in love with and got to spend a lot of time in solitude listening to and watching her majestic loveliness.

When we do not validate our feelings we get caught up in self defeating patterns which in turn can have detrimental effects on our emotional and physical selves. The words we use on ourselves consciously or unconsciously have real effects on our bodies and psyches....It is science....I challenge you to do the rice experiment.

One cup of rice in two separate but identical sealed containers. On one write the words YOU FOOL and on the other write the words THANK YOU facing both outward and inward...each day pick up the rice and say the words to the appropriate jars. After 2 weeks you will begin to notice a difference. Some people have been doing their rice experiments for Orv a year with astounding results....and then be gentle with the words you use on yourself.

Day # 10 Master Cleanse

2010-02-04T21:39:00.003-06:00

I did it!!!!

and happy 2 month birthday to my dreadlets

Day #9 Master Cleanse

2010-02-04T21:11:00.004-06:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to post my update. I have been trying to find my balance since coming off the cleanse.

This picture was taken a week ago and I was on day nine of the Master cleanse. We received a beautiful frost overnight. It really was smooth sailing from day six on. The only struggle was, I did became a bit impatient and thought a lot bout what I was going to eat.

The best part of the cleanse was how level I felt in my moods. There was a quiet evenness that settled in me.

Day #8 Master Cleanse

2010-01-26T23:33:00.003-06:00

Things just feel better and better. If you are thinking about doing the Master cleanse I say DO IT! Do your research, read some inspiring stories of those who have done it and learn what to expect, prepare space and time to support your journey and go for it. Feel free to ask me any questions, I'll help if I can or direct you to the best place to go for your answers. If you feel your body is needing a cleanse, if you feel tired and want to break some old habits in a new way, give it a try. If you don't feel ready for a 10 day cleanse try a one day juice fast, sometimes it is enough to inspire healthy changes. My biggest tip...."one moment at a time".

****biggest bonus so far.....12 pound weight loss. I say bonus because that was not the reason I chose to do it but I'm kinda lovin the way that happened.

Day#7 Master Cleanse

2010-01-26T22:50:00.005-06:00

And so it is~

Day seven was suppose to be the hardest. It was by far the easiest....My energy level was up....my tongue is completely pink and healthy. I feel strong and balanced. I think my pre-detox helped.

Four months ago I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired so I gave up all caffeine and sugar and processed food. I drank a green smoothie and chlorophyll water daily as well as began eating raw one day a week and 50% of my diet was raw. I switched from rices to Quinoa and when I ate any type of bread or pasta it was high fibre grains. Of course water, water, water.

I believe this is why my detox symptoms were minimal compared to what others have experienced and why my tongue pinked up so quickly. It appears I was already detoxing.

I am finally experiencing some clear thinking. There has been some shifts in place I have felt stuck. I have new ideas stirring and that feels exciting and wonderful.

I am still taking one day at a time after all this moment is all we have.

Day #6 Master Cleanse

2010-01-24T22:45:00.003-06:00

I smear this on my body

Woke up clear and strong this morning, Did the salt water flush, I just distracted in my mind and chugged it down as fast as I could. Enjoyed my first lemonade. Felt energized so I decided to deep clean the spare room. I guess the energy was an illusion because did I feel weak after.

I drank another lemonade for energy and then went for a steam bath as they are suppose to aid with detoxing. I am a beginner at steam baths so only did 15 minutes and damn it was hot. I rinsed off with cool water and then went home and did some dry skin brushing which I have been trying to do each day. I followed with a hot shower scrubbing up with Dr.Bronner's Peppermint Soap which is invigorating and leaves me tingly. When I get out I slather myself with organic coconut oil. for the benefits of all these yummy self care treats just click on the word to link. My skin was glowie and it now feels soft all over.

I felt kinda soft and tender on the inside too so I decided to have nap. I woke up feeling tired and achy. It is sometimes hard to trust this process. Is it really the detoxing or is my body lacking something it is not getting. Despite the achiness I was starving so I made myself a big bowl of lime slushy with purified ice cubes. That made me cold which made me crave hot comfort foods like a big bowl of steaming hot soup with crusty bread. I am miserable at night I know but I wanted to be honest in sharing about this process.

Tonight again I can choose to end this but I have things coming up from my past about being a quitter. About giving up when the going gets tough. I have read this comes up for others as well. I need to explore this memory for facts. Is it true or is it me holding onto things I mark as quitting. The truth is often times I hung in or onto things longer than what was good for me. I really need to explore this further.

Right now I still feel weak and achy with a headache threatening. I think I will turn in for the night.

I know this is long but it is really for me to mark journey I thought would be impossible, and here I am day six over. I have big willpower I am discovering.

Day #5 Master Cleanse

2010-01-23T10:56:00.005-06:00

more lemons for me~

I woke up and did nothing, then I decided to meditate for a while. Then I decided that after yesterday I would be extra gentle with myself. I forgave myself the salt water flush this morning instead just drinking a quart of plain steam distilled pure yummy yummy water. Surprisingly though I didn't gag I still felt very nauseous for about the first half hour. Which is when I usually have my first elimination (nice way of saying poop). I know now it is not the same without the salt. I know there is a scientific explanation but if I tried I would botch it. If you want more information you should check out the Master Cleanse website where I downloaded my e-book.

After the water I made myself a hot mug of peppermint tea.

My thoughts today are: I still have a headache, it is bearable. After yesterdays elimination and discovering corn (yes Master Cleansers become obsessed with their poop)which I ate last Saturday (where does this stuff sit for so long?) I thought maybe there really is something to this cleanse. Today is the halfway mark. I am OK at the moment so I will continue for now. My tongue is already beginning to pink up and my skin for some reason looks radiant.

Off to make a lemonade....more later.

later....I went to pick up my probiotics to have on hand when this cleanse is over....along with the bad bacteria my body is also being depleted of the good bacteria which will be replaced by the probiotics. Which is another reason it is important to use the finest of ingredients when doing the cleanse. Pure steam distilled water, non iodized sea salt, organic lemons and limes, organic grade B maple syrup, and organic cayenne pepper. If I am trying to rid my body of toxins I don't want to be putting them in at the same time.

Speaking of fine ingredients, on my first day I bought some Meyers lemon. When I got to the register The clerk asked if they were Meyers or the regular organic. I asked her "is there a difference?" The Meyers were about a whole dollar more a pound. This of course made me curious. I bought them, reasoning that hey I'm not spending money on food I am worth the difference. The neat thing was I was blog surfing that evening and somebody had devoted a whole post to Meyers lemons and how much she loved them and when they came out how she indulged. It made me feel like I had a secret treasure. I thought they were quite lovely but didn't realize how much so until I bought the regular ones on my next lemon run. The Meyers were way sweeter and lemony with a softer feel, less acidic. So next run will be Meyers lemons.

Lots of yummy smells tonight which I thoroughly enjoy. I have learned that even with a heightened sense of smell I am not triggered by yummy smells. Yummy smells are just that "yummy smells" completely calorie free. I even smelled somebody grilling outside today and I loved it. The visuals are entirely different story which is why I am staying away from food blogs and limiting my T.V. too many food commercials. I am definately triggered by visuals. If I see it I want it.

Tonight I rented the movie Frida the story of Mexican female artist Frida Khalo...there is a very sexy dance scene between Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd. I want to know Frida's story. I want to know the story behind the gypsy looking woman portraits with the uni-brow. Having just been to Mexico in December and going back next month. I am intrigued by the fascination with this women.

Tonight has been the best night so far. I feel calm and strong and believe I can get through another five days. I am sure hoping day four was the worst of it.

Day # 4 Master cleanse

2010-01-23T10:22:00.003-06:00

that about captures my day 4~

I had to gag down the Salt water flush and literally felt like there was an ocean sitting in my belly waiting to spew a tsunami. From there it was all down hill. My tongue is so sore from the lemon drink, of course on the Master Cleanse advice forum it's "your detoxing,your detoxing" A-holes!!!!. Did I mention it was a cynical day full of skepticism. I whined to anyone who would listen. I think I wanted somebody to give me permission to quit. Instead I got, "you can do this" and things like "you go girl", "remember why you chose to do this in the first place". Damn supportive friends. I felt like I was starving all day, the headache persisted. More whining and complaing. "Your detoxing!. your detoxing!" said with a mimicky voice (Can you begin a sentence with Quotation marks" anyway rooooooooaaarrrrrrr!!!!! The misery persisted and I should have resisted but I went with it and cried and whined and swore and damned all my food issues. I couldn't even write this yesterday and had to sensor this post as it is.

It was also my day to work which added stress on things as I couldn't focus on being gentle, I had to focus on others needs for eight and a half hours. So I was also completely and utterly drained when I got home.

Then I remembered that the Master Cleanse e-book said. Those who carry extra weight may experience more violent detoxing symptoms as fat cells store toxins. So they may need to change it up to a slower, more gentle form of detoxing through a raw food diet. Once I remembered that option it was already 5:00 p.m.. I realized if I chose to discontinue this it would not be a complete failure and I could switch to plan B. For some reason, maybe it was my first real moment of mental clarity but I decided to not make the decision when I had already almost completed my worst day. I did not want to make this deciosion from such an emotionl place. I chose to have my senna leaf tea and see how I felt in the morning and so it went.

I would also like to thank Cindy, and halfqueergrrl for chatting with me for 2 hours last night. They helped me distract from my hunger and filled me up with laughter and good conversation...you guys are the best!!

Day #3 Master cleanse

2010-01-23T09:59:00.006-06:00

If only

Day 3 was suppose to be one of the worst... I didn't find it too bad. The salt water flush was the easiest so far. I still had a gnawing headache. but it was bearable.
I am probably not drinking enough water. My tongue has this thick white coating on it, part of the detox process. You are suppose to continue the cleanse until your tongue pinks up which may go past day 10. No epiphanies or feelings of enlightenment yet. Some say the experience is spiritual, it's definitely an opportunity to practice mindfulness. Apparently the best is yet to come and isn't usually experienced until you are past day seven. That is when the real desire to eat goes away. I am taking things one day at a time or one hour at a time and even one moment at a time.

Day #2 master cleanse

2010-01-21T12:40:00.006-06:00

My new dreamy curtains~

I am already into day three but will write about it at the end of the day. Day 3 is suppose to be the hardest but I can't imagine it to be the challenge day 2 was. I had made a plan to be gentle and just do nourishing things like journal and meditate, some reading maybe a steam bath. Yesterday was a day filled with emotion...due to some upsetting situations I needed to deal with on the home front. I know I haven't spoken much of the people in my home as a request by them. It has worked fairly well as I use this blog as a journal at times and a place to attend and nurture my autonomy. That being said I had to deal with some serious issues that required some boundary setting and emotions were high. I did get through it and feel stronger for it.

The cleanse- I went to bed on day #1 thinking I cannot do this for 10 days. I went to bed grumpy, hungry and tired I woke up on day #2 clear headed and full of energy. with more enthusiasm to detox than I did beginning. I went to bed dreading the salt water flush and woke up saying "I can do this" and I did and it was easier than the first time. I feel full after doing it which helps because you aren't supposed to have your first lemon drink for one half hour at least. By the time you are ready for your fist one it tastes so good and refreshing and satisfying.

By noon I was developing a slight headache and I know it is not a caffeine withdrawal because I cut out all caffeine four months ago. Just a detox symptom I think.

I also had to attend an all team staff meeting where I mentioned something and was completely invalidated. I won't talk about details out of respect for our program which I believe really attends to the needs of people who are recovering and dealing with mental health illnesses.

Evening more conflict and the headache was getting stronger. I decided to just go to bed early and hope tomorrow was a better day. I forgot to drink my senna leaf tea and to do my dry skin-brushing and hot shower before bed.....my focus really dwindled by the evening.

Master Cleanse Day #1

2010-01-19T21:42:00.003-06:00

I have decided to do the Master Cleanse. I was inspired by Boho girl. This was her third time doing it. I have followed her journey twice and the first time I couldn't imagine getting through one day never mind 10. However her enthusiasm for all things healing is utterly infectious....I know I am not the only one to be inspired. So I purchased the e-book and have been preparing myself for about two weeks now.

I planned the timing in a way that would only leave me having to work 2 out of the 10 days. I have done my research and want to be prepared for any detox symptoms that show up.

Each day I begin my morning with a salt flush that consists of 2 teaspoons of non iodized sea salt in a quart of warm water. Today this has been the hardest part of day one....I am already dreading tomorrow morning and wasting too much time thinking about it.

Throughout the day I drink 6-8 10 oz glasses of purified water with 2 Tablespoons of freshly squeezed organic lemon juice, 2Tablespoons of organic grade B maple syrup and at least 1/10 teaspoon of organic cayenne pepper.

I can drink as much water and herbal teas as I wish with my last drink of the day being a laxative tea. ( I am using smooth move)

Yep....that's it. No food and I made it through day one. Go me!

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be except for the salt flush. It's new though and I am very enthusiastic about this and the positives that will come.

I was nauseous all morning not sure why, probably the salt flush as I don't think I would have been detoxing yet. My sense of smell seems to be heightened tenfold. Today when I smelled cooking instead of trying to get away I sat with it and really smelled. I played with it in my mind, telling myself this was as good as eating and became very mindful and savoured it. The smells became meditative.

I don't know if I will get through 10 days which is what is required as a minimum for this detox to be effective, but today has already given me somethings. I accomplished a 24 hour fast and learned new mindfulness technique. I will try and listen to my body. I want to do this because it feels right and I want to be able to let it go if I need to without guilt and feelings that I failed.

I want to shed the toxins my body has been holding on to, so apropo as I want to shed other things in my life at this time and hope this process gives me some mental clarity on these issues.

I'm feeling hungry and tired right now and am trying to be gentle with me so I am going to go to bed and read....more tomorrow

g'night

finally....my word of the year

2010-01-13T23:58:00.001-06:00

LAUGHTER

Where I spent the Holidays

2010-01-12T23:43:00.002-06:00

My computer is fixed somewhat...it is back from the repair store anyway. I had to do a lot of self repairs....as the job was complete, but more on that another time. I was able to finally download my pictures and will start sharing them. I am also going to go back in February as I fell in love with La Penita a charming little fishing village in Nayarit Mexico. This was my last walk on the beach before returning home....the beach is so private and there is also a turtle sanctuary. until February I am trying out a S.A.D. light. I am not sure if it is working or I am just so excited about returning.

Five Senses Friday

2010-01-08T11:57:00.003-06:00

Continuing on with Curious Girl"s Five senses Friday ...such a wonderful exercise in mindfulness

See

-wrinkly dry fingers that desperately need to be moisturized
-a dusty stapler
-grey dull light beyond the windows
-strange light from my new S.A.D. machine
-10 bottles of various essential oils

smell

-sandalwood
-sweet orange oil
-dust....yes dust has a smell
-toast browning
-Osho (cage needs cleaning)

taste

-lemon water with cayenne
-mocha greek yogurt
-sliced bananas
-cacao nibs
-dark roast yerba mate

hear

-squeak of the mouse
-click of the keys
-feet kicking the puffy duvet
-traffic outside
-whir of the hardrive

feel

-cold toes
-itchy from this scratchy housecoat(need to throw it out)
-strain on my lower back (reminding me of my posture)
-the burn in my throat from the mixture of lemon and cayenne
-doubt and fear about the upcoming master cleanse I am going to attempt

Just words~

2010-01-07T11:46:00.002-06:00

~there is more to the title of this blog than I am ready to talk about
~My computer is in for repairs so no picture posts and little time to write
~I spent the holidays in La Penita where my Mommy spends the winter; it was delicios
~I am having a hard time returning to reality and staying warm
~My dread-lock journey continues
~I have some serious decisions to make
~I will be trying a S.A.D. light beginning tomorrow
~I have few hopes and dreams that seem coherent enough to put into words at this time
~I know I am struggling
~I continue to work hard at healing and strengthening my body through Nutrition, Yoga, walking and meditation.
~I have errands to do but can't bring myself to face the -45 celsius today
~I want to create a womyn's circle that meets regularly to support and nurture one another to create a space we can be held in safety
~I want to visit a friend in Indiana in February
~I am looking for an eggplant recipe today
~I feel poetry inside me again
~I need to create and don't know where to begin
~My restless legs are becoming excruciating again
~ with the achy legs, sore joints, numb toes, I am afraid there is something wrong with me that they have not found yet....this is the first time I have admitted to this fear
~I feel sad for my rat Osho because his brother died and they have been together since birth and and he is two....he must be lonely (am I projecting?)
~when I look outside everything looks frozen and stiff
~I smell sandalwood
~I will create a reading list for 2010 if you have any suggestions please share
~it's noon and I am going to have a hot bath because again I cannot get warm
~I want a mentor....somebody who is a little crunchy,loves music, art, photography, who makes me laugh and knows how to play, who believes in the power of women and the importance of building each other up, challenges me intellectually in a respectful way, who sees in me my potential and can motivate me to push through my fears, who will introduce me to her world and tell me there is a vacancy there.

DREADLOCKS another check on my life list~

2009-12-15T08:12:00.004-06:00

I did it I took the plunge....I have always wanted long beautiful natural and free dreads. I have followed BOHO GIRL on her journey and was inspired by her story ....I too dreamed of them for so long and put it off due to others reaction and misconceptions about dreadlocks. Two weeks ago I said F*#@ it.

I was also going to wait until my hair got longer but one of my bff Lorraine said "why wait? It's a journey and we grow with our dreads."

It's so true. Mine are baby dreads. They are a little wonky and a whole lot of wabi-sabi. They are finding their way...and place that fits. I also feel like this is where I am. My life feels full of new and exciting changes. A little awkward as I find my way of really honouring and healing my body through nutrition and exercise....I sometimes recognize I am stiff and rigid when I hold onto ideas of perfectionism and get stuck in the idea I must be a purist to not be thought a fraud or a wannabe. When I get quiet and wait the Goddess speaks, She gently reminds me of my inner truth, I relax deeper into who I really am. It is a journey that's not always easy or pretty....but this journey is mine to discover and experience. Wild, pokey, frizzy yet deliciously unpredictable and full of cute sweet surprises.

I will share more on how my dreads were made, a evening of dreaded love as friends and dear-hearts gathered to make this dream a reality.

My List of Ten and counting~

2009-11-25T19:58:00.003-06:00

Mock pumkin curry with spinich and macadamian salad

I was inspired today to create this list byIsabelle, a member of My Crazy Sexy Life. I've been struggling with my recent changes in diet...It feels hard, I have lost my enthusiasm. It's so much work at times and I let that work overshadow all that I have accomplished and the reasons I made these changes. To get inspired and learn a great way to get yourself through a weak moment go hereand add this great list then begin to create your own.

1-That was my old life...and I am creating my new life!

2-My back and hips are healing and getting stronger everyday.

3-Preparing and planning puts me in control and reduces vulnerabilities.

4-I feel balanced emotionally and spiritually...Its my bodies time to feel that wholeness.

5-I won't be happier after I eat this. Taking care of ME is not a burden! IT'S a JOY!!

6-Eat junk, feel like junk...Eat whole Foods, Feel whole!

7-I'm so happy after I practice Yoga, walk, swim, dance.

8-I am worth the effort, Big changes are mine.

9-temporary comfort...is not worth the long term consequences.

10-I love my new life.

I love this~ thanks Cindy...You get me!!

2009-11-25T16:57:00.000-06:00

The Red Tent

2009-11-19T22:13:00.005-06:00

The irony of this post is that as I finish this amazing book The Red Tent by Anita Diamant I am also finishing my moon time. And as usual it was excruciating....not in the damn these cramps feel like labour pains and I lost so much blood I need a transfusion kinda way like some of my sister friends. More like there is this painful unexpressed longing deep, deep inside, perhaps an ancient memory. I crave a space, a ritual, a way to honour this time kinda way.

What happens instead I try to have a "Happy Period", continue on my merry way as if nothing at all is different. I try to buck up, not complain, and certainly not show the wildness that comes at me like a fierce storm. Swell upon Swell of waves of emotion. I suffer silently, I am used to suffering silently in this way as I have been silenced for so long by a source outside of myself. I have been put in this situation month after month since I was 10 years old, when I saw my first blood. Hide the pads, tampax, stained panties (from whom?)don't talk about it except in whispers or degrading jokes. I turn inward, always alone.... asking myself, why do I feel this way?...where does my reasoning go?, all thoughts appear irrational in their form. I never feel equipped. More waves, anger turns inward, "FAT, UGLY, LAZY, SLOB." I plead with myself, the whine inside my head "I am so tired" countered with carry on, so what if you don't feel like it, millions of womyn everyday don't feel like it, suck it up butter cup, PUSH"

Of course I'm not equipped, most of us aren't. It is a time for gentleness. something big and beautiful is happening. We aren't meant to just carry on. We are full with vision, and dreams,ripe with emotion that requires someplace special to hold all that is yet to be revealed. Putting a cap on all that creative st iring can only lead to misery and angst. That is why they built Red Tents. place to contain such power and greatness.

I want to build red tent society....I crave that kind of community with womyn I found inside the pages of The Red Tent....It confirmed for me that it is an ancient knowing. We are suppose to gather together as womyn during our moon time. To laugh, share secrets, nurture, give strength to one another, dream, and simply rest. It is our souls knowing. To mark the time as sacred, not just as the marking of maiden, mother, and crone. Forever, for always with each passing moon.

I am going to create space in my bedroom and call it The red tent. I am going to encourage my Mother, sisters, friends, nieces to honour this time. Validate the ancient rememberings. Find ways of sharing this time together. Dreaming, writing, resting, eating, drinking, dancing, singing, chanting, screaming, crying, purging the years of silence and lost beauty of the moon time. I will rub my sisters back with clary sage infused oils, make them mugs of tea and sweet baked goods, ask what they need, listen, remind them of their strength and how glowy-gorgeous they look all succulent and ripe. For those who cannot allow themselves this sacred time I will simply hold a place for them.

And so it is~

today~

2009-11-19T11:13:00.003-06:00

~love
~yoga
~green smoothie
~vegie chili( leftovers for work)
~work on crochet wrist warmers
~pick up labels and grease pencil at Michaels
~skype with Mommy in Mexico
~swim
~hot tub
~finish The Red Tent

My Dad....Lest We Forget~

2009-11-13T12:54:00.004-06:00

My Dad Remembrance Day Kenora 2009~lead colour party

Photo's by Lee-Anne Carver

expression beginnings

2009-11-12T22:15:00.006-06:00

I recently won a creativity kit from this amazing womyn and these are my first pages of play in my art journal, inspired by the first piece of the kit "making friends with your creativity. I am trying to make more time to work through her delicious kit which can be purchased from Andrea on her website. This was my beginning and though I enjoyed doing these two pages, I realized I want a different type of art journal. I would like one with white pages the one I started with is purple and not great for painting. If anyone has any suggestions that would be great.

I have also just recently taken a few beginner painting classes and am really loving the learning. There is so much more to it than I could ever imagine. I feel like such a baby and realize how naive I have been when it came to the technical parts of creating art. Now I realize it is about just getting in there and trying and making mistakes, but I find when I do make mistakes I want to ask other creative beings how they solve their art blunders. Like what is the best type of art journal for different types of mediums ie. water colors, water pencils, ink, chalk, pastels, glue.

I have also been dreaming up ways to turn the spare room into a studio of sorts. That is if the man child ever moves out, yes he has travelled for long periods but his stuff doesn't travel with him. He is currently back home also taking some classes, but I digress.(I always wanted to write that....giggle)

I am really enjoying trying out different ways to express my creativity, I feel a little uncertain and scared at times. It requires a whole lot of self talk to let go in this way and especially to shar., Even if it is crap...it really is the process. I may never make great art but I sure like the magic of the unfolding and uncovering.

2009-11-12T22:05:00.000-06:00

A Halloween Paradox

2009-11-01T19:08:00.006-06:00

This is my son's biological brother, despite their love for one another they are polar opposites. He is perfectionist and went as his favorite gaming character Vincent something. He spent months on this costume, paying $80.00 for red contact lenses, even hiring a seamstress to make his cape-let, every detail perfectly executed. The passion!! I am encouraging him to look into costume design and theatre makeup artistry.

and this....is my son, the minimalist, a down loadable printable mask and he is
HOBO-ama~

Both had a great time celebrating Halloween in their individual styles, good on them!

felt like chewing my breakfast this morning and break outs~

2009-11-01T18:57:00.002-06:00

Lots of fruit and two big mugs of roasted dandelion root and burdock. Trying to clear up a major breakout from recent detox. If anyone has any other suggestions beside water, water, water, chlorophyll, tea tree oil spot treatments. I would love to hear.

Morning Wednesday...bring it!!!!!

2009-10-28T09:17:00.003-05:00

~morning meditation
~Yoga
~clean Osho and Poe's cage
~renew library books
~put laundry away
~clean en-suite bathroom
~get Nigel to clean his
~vacuum
~banking
~mail Cindy and patch's parcels
~Dr's appointment
~pic up gesso and art journal(the one I started last night isn't working(the pages are colored)
~thrift store with Nigel to look for canvases and clip boards
~trip to "eat it" romaine, kale, chard, whole grain buns
~book appointment for acupuncture
~check out apron patterns
~check out crochet patterns
~register for classes at Center for Conscious Living
~food journal
~menu plan
~make dinner
~phone Mom

I Won a Creativity Kit Here...check it out~

2009-10-27T09:52:00.003-05:00

I won my first online contest, a special creativity kit designed and given by Andrea a precious soul who's spirit captivated me the first time I read a post by her on planetsark...I mean this womyn glows...she is full of love and her eyes really do twinkle. I feel so excited to receive this gift from such a gifted created genuine person.

I think the universe has brought this about as a way for me to open up and begin to let out all that is screaming to be expressed through my own creative spirit. You see I once almost took a workshop with Andrea but I let those old voices stop me. That one that says "you suck, people will think you suck, blah blah blah". This might be a gentler way to ease into connecting with other creative ones. Tonight I begin to play in my creativity journal. What is gesso? Ha!

Andrea has also been added to my list of abundance in the making, that hangs on my fridge...I wrote myself a new moon check, to manifest more financial abundance in my life this month, above and beyond what I normally expect to bring in so far that total has reached $206.00 we are only one week in. Thank you Andrea for contributing to my abundance flow.

*NOTE* I really suggest you check out Andrea's website, I tried to post the link within my post but could only get it to post in the title...even read the tutorial but I can't get the da*# thing to post...if anyone can show a very technically inept puter geek wannabe how to post a link on here I would so appreciate it.

Yoga at Mommy's

2009-10-26T10:26:00.004-05:00

My Mom is leaving for Mexico for a six month stint and I had to rush back to my hometown to do a hair gig for her before she leaves. Yoga mat's travel well don't they? I was tired but am committed to this practice and WOW what a delicious place to do yoga. My Mom's place is so calming and conducive to taking care of oneself~

ch-ch-changes

2009-10-18T13:10:00.004-05:00

FROM THIS..........

TO THIS~

shedding....

2009-10-17T22:42:00.006-05:00

I participated in a weight loss challenge at work that began January 15th. I won the pot and was the biggest loser, losing a total of 18 pounds. That was all well and good as it was the beginning of the weight I needed to lose after gaining 60 pounds after quiting smoking September 5th 2007. Since April I was stuck...really stuck in some not so healthy eating patterns....Coffee first thing in the morning left me with no appetite and often I didn't eat until I was starving at dinner time then over ate and continued to eat until bedtime.

I Struggle with thoracic pain and sacroiliac problems combined with extreme foot pain that has left three toes permanently numb on my right foot.

I began making small changes, small walks, a few breakfast smoothies, not enough to make a dent in the health problems that were staring me in the face.

They say everyone has a bottom when they are struggling with the things that they turn to, to cope with their demons. In short I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It has been a good year in so many ways....I am debt free, something I haven't been in over 21 years. I cut up the credit cards and am finally living within my means...a type of shedding., I have dealt with some resentments that kept popping up in my life, more shedding. I continue my mindfulness practice. I work hard on growing and challenging myself, but my biggest struggle has always been my weight. I neglect this poor body of mine that has seen me through much.

I have been reading a lot on raw food eating and super foods. Almost two weeks ago I gave up caffeine, I souped up my smoothies by making them green topping them up with cacao, maca, and flax seed. I have made a commitment to eating completely raw one day a week, and find myself not wanting to put processed anything in my mouth. Lots of water 3 of out of 8 glasses spiked with chlorophyll. I have deepened my Yoga practice and believe the two compliment and I am hopeful will sustain each other. I have more energy than I have in a long time. My meditation is more focused. I feel clear and suddenly dropped 10 pounds in a week and a half. I don't feel hungry. I am not obsessed with calorie counting. I just have this deep desire to fuel my body with whole, nutrient rich, pure live delicious foods....and I am shedding, shedding, shedding.

surprises

2009-10-15T12:17:00.005-05:00

I ordered a catalogue from here www.gudrunsjoden.com and this loverly company sent me this beautiful hand sewn journal for FREE....I don't even remember it being part of the deal...I love surprises like that. I especially love new journals and the way they smell and the way the pages flip just waiting to be filled up with carefully chosen words....WOW!

more letting go~

2009-09-30T22:26:00.005-05:00

an experiment in being brave~

My deepest parts want to create. To make things that satisfy me to the bone. My souls longing to express itself has been holding itself tight. As if I am waiting for something to invite me, take me by the hand and say "here it's OK, take these paints and these pens and show me whats inside." Still a voice deep inside me says, "you're not an artist. What do you know about art? You barely finished anything in school, you suck" Then I find my gentle voice that says "that's because you were too insecure and too busy comparing yourself to others." and I am still doing it and allowing my insecurities to take away something so huge in me that it has left a yearning that never goes away.

I have been inspired by many blogger-artists for a long. Damn there are some deliciously creative souls out there in blogger land. I have gi-normous lists of favorite chica artists. Because of them I have been collecting art and craft supplies for such a time now my bins and cupboards are spilling over.

I am saying "back-off insecurities" I'm bigger and braver than you. I know I am an artist deep in my soul. I can see it in the way I cook, the way I decorate, and garden, the way I write poetry...I am creative. I have to crawl before I walk. I will take more risks and make a lot more mistakes. I want to learn. I want to love my process. I want to muck about and make happy accidents. I don't need anyone's approval. I just need to satisfy my souls longing.

sigh

2009-09-25T22:30:00.003-05:00

Feeling weary and worn down.....tired of the conflict I try daily to adjust to....tired of being torn.... tired of being in the middle..... longing for days gone by~

I will not play at tug o'war.
I'd rather play at hug o'war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
~Shel Silverstein

More Real Me~

2009-09-17T11:58:00.003-05:00

Tuesday night I decided to treat myself to a homemade facial and deep conditioning hair treatment...as I was waiting for my hair to suck up moisture and my face to crack, I sipped peppermint tea and read Life Is a Verb by Patti Digh~37 days to wake up, be mindful, and live intentionally.

I am just getting better and better at discerning what is truly nurturing for my soul and what is not....I am craving all things that fill me up with self love and remind me I am truly beautiful just the way I am....thank you to the delicious womyn who support me through this process~

being real

2009-09-10T12:46:00.005-05:00

My lovely mermaid/dready-camping hair~

The real me collecting rocks~
Truth can come out of no where. In the simplest forms. In few words. As I write this I choke back the tears thinking about the gift and the self challenge that I received from my son over the weekend.

First let me say my son is a man of few words to begin with. He always has been except for a short 8 month chatter box stage he went through at about seven years old. He is now a young man of twenty. Even his humour is quick and sharp and done with often one or two word comebacks. If he is down or struggling I must drag what hurts his heart out of him. My Momma instinct knows when he wants to talk...and we have found our way again with very little words. It has always seemed like talking is almost painful for him. He is a talented musician and writer and I thank Goddess often for this outlet given to him for he pours his heart out in words, lyric and song. So when my son of little words speaks I listen.

We were camping this weekend at a wonderful place called Hecla Island. Both with our cameras in hand. He begins snapping pictures of me. I remind him of my rules. No body shots and please be aware of my chins..take the shots from a downward angle...He always shows annoyance each time I recite this to him. After several clicks he comes over to show me a shot...I groan and whine and say "Nigel, my chins!!" He looks at me stright in my eyes and very calmly says "what? that is what you look like and I think it is a really good picture of you"

Those 18 words have played over and over in my head for 6 days now. That is who I am. That is how I am seen physically by the world. Now I realize most people choose their favorite shots when showing themselves on their blogs or sharing pictures on the world wide web but I have gone beyond....I have been trying to show myself the way I want to be seen not who I really am.

I have struggled with my weight on and off my whole life. I have gained and lost and gained so many times....I have not been real about it.

I am currently, trying extremely hard to get to a place of health through Weight loss, exercise, nutrition, easing pain from back problems, sacroiliac problems, foot pain, numb toes on my left foot, I.B.S. depression....I practice mindfulness, yoga and gentle walking.

I am getting there, but my son's words struck a chord deep in my soul. About being real, and loving not rejecting myself from where I am. It all goes back to that. Self love. That is where real healing begins. Perhaps why there has been so many failed attempts at getting to a place of health. I have always been on a deeper level trying to love the person I want to become not who I am. There has been so much shame and denial about where I am really at. It has created a place where self love was impossible to grow.

My body is holding back a dam as I write this...I am what I am...I am where I am at...and that is where I begin.

I really am lovely. With my chins and Venus of Willendorf body.

I am challenging myself to share real pictures of me~ I need to begin the real healing.

today

2009-08-28T18:06:00.004-05:00

Scrambling

I search for

inspiration

anywhere

everywhere////////////
////////////////

back to

BRokEn

desperate / reaching /grasping

.
.
.

I want to feel whole

I need to feel full

I'm tired of the return to lost~~~

what brings me back to love?

what lands me in gentle words whispered to my own heart

you deserve it

you are that important

you are worth it

you are enough

you are ......

precious
wanted
treasured
amazing
beautiful
valued
lovable
interesting

I want to feel and believe this to my bones and then I want to share it....because there are too many of us out there~

A tinted view

2009-08-26T22:01:00.003-05:00

Color has always been part of my emotional self albeit unconscious most of the time. It is still quite evident color symbolizes much thought and emotion as I move through this journey we call life. When I look at what colors I surrounded myself with at different stages, it speaks volumes.I feel color represents where I am in my life. What I long for, what I fear, what I want to attract in my life.

At one time in my life you wouldn't find anything in my closet but black....partners, friends,family would encourage me to give color a chance? "You would look good with a little color." (hoh?) I ignored them as fast as you could say "Back in Black" Why was it so important for them to see me in color anyway? I never thought to ask myself why it was that while shopping, my hand would reach for everything black or why the few pieces that had color hanging in my closet were so neglected. What is interesting, I would never claim black to be a favorite color. In fact I never understood people who had a favorite color and wondered how they stayed loyal to that color their entire lives.

I have since become aware of a deeper meaning as to why I chose certain colors or why I deemed a color nice or gross or naughty for that matter. Besides the obvious sexist meaning society has given to color pink for girls blue for boys, it has still gently run a theme in my life.

My black period....my dark time? Perhaps. I know for sure it coincides with a time in my life I was seeking to understand who I was and where I was going. It was my safe color. I have heard beige is safe. Not for me. Black was a nothing color...It was the same, constant, It didn't tell the world I was confident, shy, without taste....it was just well, BLACK! Deciding what colors went together was not a problem....I could dress with my eyes closed. Belts, purses, shoes pants socks shirts. It was easy.

Some colors trouble me, like red. Christmas is red, barns are red, cherry jello and candy apples are red. That is all that I am o.k. with being red. Red annoys the p*%# out of me at times...seriously it is a color that makes me want to scream. This I do not understand. I have been envious of those who could pull off the red lacquered nail polish or "The Lady in Red" This confuses me, how can I feel both irritated and mesmerized by little red toes. I know red is suppose to be the color of passion, and a power color....perhaps I feel powerfully passionate and no where to express this in my life or perhaps I just feel passionately powerless...ugghghg. See what red does to me?

I went through a "yellow is gross"stage....and between the ages four and seven I was drawn to orange. Orange crush, orange crayons, orange suckers, life savers and jujubes. I even had an orange bedroom...hey it was the 70's. I transitioned to yellow acceptance while coloring and discovering how yummy yellow and orange looked side by side.

Currently I am loving green and everything nature... moss, leaves, shells, bark, and if you looked in my closet today you would think you landed in Fern Gully. I know this is me missing the bush. Trying to attract grounded, earthly souls into my life. I have dug out my driftwood collection and strewn my favorite rocks around the apartment...I have live plants and a new interest in creating little forests via terrariums...they make great gifts as well.....So right now color me EARTH~

Life Lists~

2009-08-16T19:41:00.006-05:00

I have been inspired by bloggers over the years who make bucket lists, life lists. mondo-beyondoing list....I am a self proclaimed list maker myself and over the last 2years have been working on my life list. I recently hit the 100 mark and thought it might be nice to share. Some things have diminished in their desire and some burn in me like molten glass longing to be shaped and blown into something real and tangible....they call my soul and always have....they whisper my name while I sleep for they are what my dreams are made of.

100-live lusciously~always
99-cafe/journal weekly
98-buy tickets to Mexico for Yule holidays
97-attend a fall harvest celebration
96-commission "sew dandy" to alter some clothes for me
95-Zen to Done...nuff said
94-call a friend a day
93-find new chick music
92-do the rice experiment
91-transition this year (2009-2010) to 50%raw/100%vegetarian
90-grow friendships
89-get a brazilian*no longer a desire...I say be a natural womyn*
88-finish shawl
87-make a list of fun free stuff to do
86-practice autonomy*has changed to practice mindfulness*
85-get new glasses*DONE*
84-get my dental crown and stay current with cleanings*DONE*
83-Be a Big Sister to a child in need
82-plan a trip to the mediterranean
81-keep adding to Life List
80-get an i-pod*DONE*
79-trip to Azores
78-attend burning man
77-quit smoking*DONE* 2 years go me!
76-go on a womyn's spiritual retreat
75-go to Hawaii*not so sure anymore*
74-get my passport*DONE*
73-fill a journal with inspiring, quotes, lyrics, images
72-finish my business plan*released*
71-make a list of 100 memories
70-make love outside in the rain
69-get fresh air daily
68-perfect my posture
67-write more thank you cards
66-plan more parties
65-paint some cards to send to friends
64-learn to surf
63-acquire a djembe that fits me
62-get a facial
61-go for a full body massage*DONE*
60-find or create a job that allows me to express my creative self
59-acquire a Cannon Rebel
58-own and live on a houseboat
57-go skinny dipping*DONE*and I will again and again....
56-join Winnipeg's lesbian arts and culture group
55-create new friendships
54-build a bike at the bike dump on chicks night
53-replace cleaning supplies with natural ones as I run out
52-trip to San Fransisco
51-watch zeitgeist as per son's request
50-live in a sky rise with a spectacular city view*DONE*
49-send more snail mail
48-organize closets*DONE*
47-meditate consistently
46-be real and honest in my writing
45-release all thoughts of what others think about me
44-love more
43-consume less
42-blog daily
41-try one new recipe a week
40-learn to eat more raw
39-increase my fitness level
38-fill my home with sunny nature pictures
37-paint, paint, paint.....
36-join drumming circle
35-become completely debt free *3 MORE MONTHS*
34-get some delicious photography equipment
33-learn photo-shop
32-live on the lake again
31-build a womyns retreat in the bush/on the lake
30-find a wise womyn to mentor me
29-go to the Michigan womyn's festival
28-put more positive experiences in my basket daily
27-have a coaching session with Leonie Allen
26-make my own set of oracle cards
25-learn to belly dance
24-meet Jann Arden
23-marry myself
22-make a new dream board
21- beach party under the stars
20-go sailing
19-create a studio full of delicious art supplies *started collection*
18-buy more hemp products
17-tape love notes to trees
16-go on a solo vacation
15-take an aromatherapy course *DONE*
14-get a shoulder tattoo
13-walk barefoot on an ocean beach
12-learn sign language
11-start a loose tea collection
10-train my rats to fetch
9-volunteer a Siloam mission cutting hair
8-lead a womyn's circle
7-get a vertical lip piercing *DONE*
6-get dreads
5-take an art class
4-acquire VW westy again
3-take a trip to Savannah Georgia
2-finish my stylist licence *DONE*
1-dance naked under the moon

More Mindfulness

2009-08-01T23:34:00.002-05:00

I am still practicing mindfulness, and I can say it continues to challenge and inspire me. Being present isn't an easy thing always. There are so many paths, so many delicious tools to utilize. To simply notice this moment, feel it with every sense, now, describe and put words on it, enter into the experience with no judgements....not an easy task....but over and over I practice until it becomes part of my very being....who I am becoming becomes who I am ....and so it is~

namaste

Lilac's Blossom

2009-06-04T11:38:00.003-05:00

Lilac''s Blossom

It came to me on lilac blossoms

exposure to passion's repress

dormant wanton, bud held tight

encouraged by her untamed heart

purple inhibitions burst open

releasing fragrant, sweetness

profusion of submissive display

I worship from a distance

one day wilting, into lilac arms

~me

purply goodness

2009-05-29T14:56:00.002-05:00

I have been enjoying lot of fruit smoothies lately...I have struggled at times with breakfast in the mornings. I find this a delicious way to get some nutrition in me....I am energized but don't feel heavy or draggy the way some breakfasts make me feel.

-banana
-handful of frozen blueberries(I have to have some frozen fruit as this makes it
cold and slushy the way I like my smoothies)
-a squeeze of honey
-enough almond milk to just cover the fruit
-whir this fruity mix until smooth

I'm gonna miss them~

2009-05-27T10:20:00.002-05:00

I love this picture of them as they both seem to have the exact pose....looking serious both their lips pursed...adorable~

These two precious gypsy souls ( my son Nigel on the left and his girlfriend Paige on the right)embark on an travel adventure they have been dreaming up for while....they will travel by bus down to Reno where they will meet a friend and together they will sing their way to Portland Oregon on to San Fransisco then up the West Coast back into Canada....they are letting their hearts lead with excitement and courage.....I pray to the Universe to keep them safe and to fill this adventure with much love and laughter~please keep these gentle spirits in your thoughts....and send brave peaceful energy for my heart as I drive them to Bus Terminal tomorrow~

Mindfulness~five senses friday

2009-03-27T21:48:00.003-05:00

See-an amazing array of orchids at the Winnipeg Orchid Show...incredible blooms out of out of dead wood, air, a barren old stem...miracles!

Feel-the tip of my pet rat's (Poe) teeth as I scratched under his chin.

Hear-the soothing voice of Ananga Sivyer as she guided me through my morning meditation.

Taste-the nutty taste of sprouted wheat berry bread lovingly prepared by hand.

Smell-the earthy muskiness as we walked about the Winnipeg conservator, a tropical paradise.....it was a nice break from the dump of snow we just received over the last few days.

Light

2009-03-15T10:02:00.003-05:00

Light arrives

with her promise and possibilities.

Confidence swells with cockcrow.

High noon tolls her warning

and

I chase rays anxiously,

Unlike fat cats

that lazily absorb her secrets.

Dread and dreams collide

as her golden illumine gives way to

dusk's haunting stillness.

I'm tortured with each and every pass as

grey's grasp chokes me with panic

The moment lasts but a breath

still, I feel like I am suffocating

until darkness envelopes me

and I can no longer see

what is lost.

~me

Mindfulness

2009-03-13T23:55:00.004-05:00

the Buddha statue at my moms~

I haven't posted in a long while.....I was lost but now I'm found. I am currently in a group every Tuesday afternoon that studies and practices mindfulness skills. This has been the key to restoring me to sanity. As I type this I am practicing the skills I am learning.....My mind races with so many thoughts I wish to share....but I slow down long enough to notice my thoughts and a gentleness washes over me as I remember to breathe. I sit with this a while. I decide I will share in smaller pieces, little bites, savoured....just like how I am re-learning to eat in a more mindful way. The purpose simply to be present.

To begin:five senses every Friday:

see- the gorgeous muted colours of a new candle given to
me ...marbled,Frosted,mossy,greens.

feel- the warmth of the sun on me as I napped in the car.

hear- the chirp of a single bird during that same nap (a welcome sign that spring will soon be here)

taste- the sweet pungency of a perfectly aged bottle of organic balsamic.

smell-the patchouli oil in my bottle of Tramp by Lush as I lathered

getting real

2009-01-12T00:32:00.004-06:00

I haven't been coming here very often...I don't have pretty things to say. Peace has left the building and I have been afraid to share where I am. For fear of what others would think.

I needed to remind myself that the purpose of keeping this blog was not about others and performing for an audience. It was to have a place to come to be real, and process even the messiness that is me. How in the world will I find the way to me and self love if I am always hiding and running from my perceived imperfections.

Lately I wake up with a knot in my stomach and mind on overdrive. My thoughts are not those that fill of the pages of women loving books, enlightened beings or those on their souls journey.

Instead what swirls around are fears of what the future holds, my daunting list of shoulds, My self condemnation of everything I didn't do yesterday, last week, last year and doubts of how the day will end. This is a medication free mind. Lovely isn't it. No more fog or haziness the messages are loud and clear. No more numbness. I can feel the pain down to my bones.

More therapy, Zen, don't forget your inner child, You should meditate, exercise, remember your gratitude journal, another self help book, try harder, lighten up, find your gentle voice.

I'm soooooo tired~

I can breathe

2008-12-21T15:20:00.002-06:00

There is a complete and utter feeling of Gentleness that has settled deep inside of me. It feels so sweet.
I know it is just the beginning of finding my footing on my healing path yet again. It feels soooo freeing to surrender and realize that healing is not a destination it is a journey.....more later but for now I want to just soak up the sense of peace and calm I am feeling.

namaste

Anxious

2008-12-11T12:45:00.002-06:00

EyES buRN#

HEad ThROBS

hoT*!

BEllY cHurNS

i feeL neRVOUS ABouT NOtHing

bORed, StaRVING fOr SoMEthinG

FeAr RisINg, aciD poOLs iN My cHEeks

SOmEthinGS COMing

i FEel LIKe, my skin CRawls if I sIT TOo loNG

whAt Was THaT?

cALM
BEfoRE
ThE

StORm

ughGHhfGHGHGghghGhGhGhghghGHGH@%*#$%@

I want my Zen!

home at last..... for the holidays

2008-12-08T00:38:00.005-06:00

Ever since I moved to the city (this will be my 5th Christmas) I have been a complete Grinch. I dreaded the holidays every strand of tinsel, every Carole sung, every cent I spent I did it grudgingly. I whined, I bitched "why do we do this to ourselves?" Why do millions of people overextend themselves financially and emotionally? Why?"

All the while feeling guilty and confused why did I feel this way when I use to embrace the holidays so much....I would plan and compile lists and bake and create....what happened?....who stole my holiday spirit?

This year I did less grumbling and tried to just sit with these feelings and see what if anything I could uncover.

This is what I discovered.....I don't know how to do a metropolitan Christmas and my boy (my reason for the season) grew up. We use to have the perfect country setting for a perfect Christmas. Our home was surrounded by windows that looked out on a forest of snow covered evergreens, children and adults could ice skate and go sledding right out our front door, My home was decorated with hand picked cedar and greens and pine cones we would pick in summer. My family was the center of extended family and we would bring in-laws from both sides, divorced family members together at the holidays. I had the time and space back then to even make my own wrapping paper, I spent months baking and planning menus for get togethers.......then I moved away from all that extended family, moved away to a big City that I love the rest of the year long but I never developed a new way of celebrating.

My son (remember my reason for the season) has grown into an amazing person who has asked that people not spend money on him as he feels our world over consumes and he prefers to tread lightly on this earth. We are not Christian and he feels no need to be sucked into the pressures of the commercialism of this holiday. Part of my joy use to come from making Christmas magical for him, now I want to respect his values.

I have come to realize the pressure to provide a perfect Christmas was all internal and I can begin to let that go. I can also begin to simply let things happen as they will. This all leaves room for me to embrace the sweetness and joy of the little things that are happening....things I wouldn't even notice before.

I am keeping things simple see above photos....I relieved myself of the decision fake or real and just decorated the coat tree I had my apartment. Shopping was kept to a minimal and I am doing it at my leisure. I work Christmas and boxing day and looking forward to spending time with those who have nowhere else to go. I work with the lost and forgotten members of society. I am getting quieter inside and feeling some peace as this shift occurs. I am enjoying just being an observer ....as I am learning so much by simply being quietly mindful....it finally feels like this is where I am suppose to be......home at last for the holidays.

color my rainbow

2008-12-07T22:23:00.000-06:00

Your rainbow is shaded white.

What is says about you: You are a contemplative person. You appreciate quiet moments. People depend on you to make them feel secure.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

ughghghgh

2008-11-26T13:37:00.001-06:00

Oh how I wish it was this easy!

Winter Musings

2008-11-15T16:22:00.002-06:00

my tea has gone cold
I imagine it iced,
so I can get it down
just like what your offering
a drink of frigidity
disguised as deliberate thoughtfulness
I find it hard to swallow

~Me

sweet winter winds blow across prairie fields

2008-11-12T18:11:00.002-06:00

It's here and I am hunkered under thick blanket and down comforter....the wind howls outside my window reminding me of more cozy "me time" to come.

Tagged

2008-10-28T23:03:00.002-05:00

tagged by Blue(and I can't figure out the dam linky's)

~random me stuff
I am : compassionate
I think : I have a nice bum
I know : that I don't know half of what I thought I knew when I was younger
I want : financial freedom
I hate : bio-degradable bags that bio-degrade before you leave the store
I fear : not having enough time to do everything I want
I hear : pages flipping
I smell : nag champa incense
I crave : salty things
I seek : wisdom and peace
I wonder : why some people enjoy being mean
I regret : the time I wasted on worrying about what others think about me
I love : laughing
I was not : a confident child
I am not : ever going to eat liver again...ever!!!
I cry : because it feels good
I believe : only love is real
I dance : daily with wild abandon
I sing : in my car at the top of my lungs
I read : by my mood
I write : poetry
I lose : at card games
I never : ever eat liver!!!
I confuse : course and coarse
I listen : carefully
I can usually be found : reading or writing
I am scared : of bears when I am in a tent....I would rather sleep under the stars
I need : to laugh often
I am happy : when I am expressing my creative side

Pie

2008-10-16T12:02:00.002-05:00

It's that time of the year~dear ones may gather for this process 5- times so everyone can stock their feezers with a dozen pies.....good times!

busy............

2008-09-24T14:55:00.003-05:00

I am on overload and have never done busy well....I am trying to change that and am wondering about ways people use to cope with their hectic busy lives.

I am trying very hard to compartmentalize....for instance work is left at work, sleep is for sleep, swimming is for swimming. When I find myself going over strategies for work when I am at home or making lists in my head during bedtime, I try to just notice it and refocus my thoughts on say; what's in front of me or my breathing or the task at hand. I am in other words trying to live in the now. It is a mindful act and seems to require quite a bit of effort and concentration.

I have this underlying feeling like I am forgetting something. I will be in the middle of something and find myself searching my mind for that which feels forgotten...this is making it hard to be present.

As a result I feel tired and my in between time doesn't feel productive at all. Even as I write this I am thinking...."I should stick a load of laundry in"....or "I need to pick up those invitations".

Thank goddess for daytimers!!!

picture post

2008-09-20T23:33:00.012-05:00

I was all enthused yesterday for a little get away....(I had to edit this post a bit as uploding pics in this format is just so confusing).My back was aching and I just had this heavy heart you can really see it in my eyes (see if you can tell what picture I mean).....I wanted to stick to the plan though because I just knew it was nature that had the answers.....I played gently, and didn't push myself to do anything in particular....I was armed with all kinds of things if I needed but just tried to let my heart lead ....I simply just enjoyed her sweet sounds.....waves lapping, birds squawking, leaves softly rattled, kids playing in the distance....I didn't want to think about the week I had or the one approaching.....I just needed to be present and witness to her beauty. I snuggled in my sleeping bag and drifted.... I needed this.........and to just feel her healing ways.

3 jobs and a weekend

2008-09-18T01:48:00.004-05:00

in my car driving from job a to job b

I have accepted another job....that makes three...the third is a casual relief position in a place I have dreamed of working for a while and now I have a foot in the door. So I work a .6 position in a recovery home for people struggling with mental illness. That means I work 3-11, 2 nights a week and 3-11 the next and alternately so. I will continue to cut hair for my loyal clients 2 days a week and pick up the odd midnight shift at the 24 hour youth crisis shelter. Lot's of juggling but somehow I know it will all work out. I am feeling so strong and in such a good place.

Tonight is gorgeous out and the weekend is promising to be as beautiful....I have planned a lot of time outdoors, my nature play as I like to call it. It is what continues to heal and keep me feeling whole. This may be my last chance for a while so I plan to savour each precious moment.

My nature play check list:

-firewood
-some fine wine
-blankets and pillows
-books
-journals and pens
-camera and batteries
-cheeses
-grainy bread
-fresh peaches
-grapes
-fixins for smores

too soon

2008-09-18T01:48:00.002-05:00

Words try

to unearth

fresh ground

before compost

is ripe;

you can't

harvest insight

from fresh

rot.

~me

Keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel

2008-09-15T21:50:00.003-05:00

Lately I feel like I'm driving this wheel of life blindfolded. I plan my route carefully. I come up with a driving route that seems like it will be a great balance....practical, safe, and pleasurable....the directions seem easy and then bam a detour. I try to remain calm and trust there is an alternative route that will work just as well, but the universe likes to throw this cover over my eyes....and there are other drivers trying to run me off the road.....of course the worst thing to do is look back and wonder if I made the right choice.....no turnarounds on this journey. I Just have to trust something else is in charge of lifes highway.

feeling centered and grounded

2008-09-12T23:50:00.002-05:00

I am feeling centered and grounded these days....a lot more balanced, not so wabi-sabi even though I am a huge fan of wabi-sabi. There seems to be a gentle drive that wasn't there before and each of my days seems so full of beautiful things.

some goodness and beauty of late:

~getting the job I wanted which will fill me soulfully and still allow me to be a stylist extraordinaire 2 days a week.

~swimming and stretching in the pool (I'm up to twelve laps)

~reading a treasure I found at the used bookstore, in the sunshine on the terrace by the pool.(pics coming soon)

~accomplishing a few things I have been putting off and finding some beautiful nature prints of greenery that will cheer spirits when the snow flies.

~kindred connections

~I live in a beautiful building...downtown near the river...I took these when I went for a walk after dinner this evening it has been so balmy these past few nights.

~ I feel full and oh so blessed.

auricular acupuncture

2008-09-12T00:12:00.004-05:00

My son introduced me to auricular acupuncture an ancient form of acupuncture/pressure that work on meridians in the ear. Small accupuncture needles are inserted to different points in the ear. There are 5 major points.

The Sympathetic. The sympathetic point balances the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. It has a strong analgesic (pain relieving) and relaxant effect upon the internal organs and it dilates the blood vessels. It also calms the spirit.

The Shen Men, roughly translates as "spirit gate". Needling this point helps to alleviate anxiety and nervousness and produce a calming, relaxing effect. It helps the process of going within, supporting the internal journey of recovery. It opens the gate to the heart, spirit and mind.

Kidney The kidney is Chinese medicine associated with growth, development, reproduction and the aging process. It is believed to store the source energy and the essence or "jing" It is associated with courage, resolve, will power and rebirth.

Liver Chinese medical theory associates the Liver with resolving anger and aggression and with keeping both the emotions and the bodies systems moving smoothly. It stimulates physiologic and hormonal functions;relieves muscle cramps. It aids in developing patience, clear thinking and decision making.

Lung In addition to respiration, the lung is also involved in immunity and protecting the body from disease. The lung is associated with the grieving process and letting go. It improves the sense of connection and self
respect.

~

We arrived at 10:25 am. There was a room of about 10 people we were asked to take a seat and given a brief explanation by the practitioners. The insertion of the needles was like a small pinprick, more like a mosquito bite. After some insertions I felt a warming sensation.

All that was asked of us was to remain seated and quiet, no talking and to just do some basic breath work. They served a delicious herbal tea, played some Zen music
and the lights were dimmed. The session is 40 minutes and was over very quickly. After the needles are removed you have a choice of leaving with seeds or tacks if you would like. The seeds are placed against an acupressure point on the ear with some tape. they are to be worn for the week and are for anxiety and agitation....when you feel your anxiety rise you are to gently massage the seeds on the point. The tack is simply a tiny tip of a needle inserted into shen men as well and left there it is for energy. It is only worn for three days. The boy chose the seeds and I chose the tacks.

Amazingly I have felt a huge relief in my back pain....it is quite shocking the sudden relief. I have felt an increase in energy....but have also had an odd headache ever since. I will have to ask about that.

I am going to try and at least have a weekly treatment....it feels like a more holistic approach to much of life's struggles. I felt calm and refreshed when I left and like I was doing something really wonderful for me.

moments of clarity

2008-09-06T21:04:00.002-05:00

After a busy day of errands I managed to make my way to one of my favorite places to journal. Mondragon is a anarchist restaurant it is a co-op run cafe with vegetarian fare.

I ordered the peanut yam soup served with hand-baked bread and peppermint tea....the nurturing environment, smells of things prepared with loving care,indie music and anarchist writings and posters that adorn every wall led to a soulful write in my journal and an understanding on my process of decision making.

I had a decision to make about an interview I was suppose to go to.....my gut said cancel....they had cancelled on me three times and everything about them said they were very disorganized.....I wanted to cancel.....but then I would judge myself saying "it's irresponsible, I wasn't being understanding enough, I was being too critical" and so on.

When I was able to get mindful and not judge my decision it became clear that cancelling was the right decision.....I then made the decision, cancelled the interview, continuing to not judge myself for it and just let it go.....and voila....PEACE!

some kind of super hero

2008-08-31T19:29:00.002-05:00

I wear this red ring

when

blood

flows,

To remove the curse.

I choose instead

to remember the possibilities,

to mark this time of

my fullness and power.

I glance down and grin...

knowing every twenty-eight days

I feel like a bloody super hero.

~me

ambrosia living

2008-08-29T23:34:00.001-05:00

What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.)
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as The Student Dyke

Your entire life is defined by two things: your intellect and your sexuality; moreover you often merge the two to lure in women.

The Student Dyke

90%

The Bohemian Dyke

60%

The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke

60%

The Sprightly Elfin Femme

45%

The Femme Fatale

45%

The Quasi-Gothic Femme

40%

The Granola Dyke

30%

The Little-Boy Dyke

30%

The Surprise! Dyke

30%

The Hipster Dyke

15%

The Pretty-Boi Dyke

15%

The Magic Earring Ken Dyke

10%

The Stud

Rock, Paper, Scissors

2008-08-29T00:01:00.003-05:00

It feels like I have been playing this game for my life lately....I been fighting it, living in agony, financially struggling to hold on to something I love ....then today I stumbled on this randomly....just a quick quote on somebody's myspace comment section...
[i]GIVING UP DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN YOU ARE WEAK, SOMETIMES IT MEANS THAT YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO LET GO! "[/i]

I sooooooo needed to find these words of wisdom......because it does feel like it is going to take a lot of strength to let go.

I think I may need to put my scissors away for a while....my back is getting worse....I almost had to ask somebody to take over in the middle of a clients haircut today.....this at a time when I was soooo close to the dream of having my own salon.

I have cut my hours which has done nothing but get me in further debt, I have done every therapy known to man...stretched and meditated and worn crystals and drank things nobody should have to drink all in the name of "healing" and "sucking it up!"....now comes the letting go part

I have had two interviews (which went extremely well )and I have three more next week in the line of work I did before becoming a stylist....perhaps if I make the switch it will give my back time enough to heal....or perhaps I can just relax a bit knowing my bills will get paid....trying to just stay open and let the universe lead.

I have been resisting and fighting this for a while now.....I love this creative outlet....I feel sad....but somethings gotta give.....I think that means me......I'm just going to be gentle with me as I go through this letting go.....It's so important for me to take time to do all those sweet things for myself like bubble baths and painting my toes right now as the interviewing and job hunting process heats up.

The Thinking Chair

2008-08-26T10:46:00.002-05:00

~My thinking chair

This space has been blank for a while now I am full of much....and empty of so many things...it is a strange time.....all swirly and meldy....it doesn't feel up and down like usual though.....all my emotions seem to be happening simultaneously....and that itself feels scary and exciting at the same time. I've been avoiding writing for the same reason. I usually write expressing mood and feeling and this has really thrown me for a loop.....maybe this is how the rest of the world lives. I am so used to feeling all light or all dark....each day each moment is more like the brightest sunshine beaming light behind big blobs of black chunks.

I have been trying to do a "sit and think moment" nothing else no meditating, crochet, yoga, breathing exercises...just the simple act of just sitting and allowing whatever thoughts to just come.....how many people take the time to do this?.....it has magical often profound results....I challenge you to just five minutes today...it's not as easy as it seems.....but I warn you...be prepared for great things!

~Ride The Wave

2008-08-26T09:36:00.001-05:00

My anxiety level feels high despite the fact I had a massage today.....I'm gonna ride this.....My life and plans may be taking a complete shift. I am trying so hard to remain open to the universe.....everything I have been doing and focusing on in the way of my own business just doesn't seem to be flowing.....at first it did but in hindsight I think it was more the height of my excitement and the prospects of finally becoming a salon owner.

My back is not healing and I am trying to face the fact that my line of work is not conducive to it's healing....the constant strain on my body from the type of work I do is not allowing me the time needed to heal. Steeped mugs of ginger tea, ice, orthotics, chiro, massage...it doesn't matter how much therapy and treatment I do for it if I am constantly returning to the strain that weakens it, it won't heal. And working every other day to rest in between is making me broke....I have been compensating by using my credit and it's time to rethink this situation.

So I have been exploring other options and remaining open .....I have spent two days working on my resume and selected only two places today to drop off my resume....I have an interview next Friday and while I stopped in at one place today they said they were in the middle of doing interviews and would I like to interview now if I had time..... it felt a little like universal magic so I said "absolutely" It went extremely well...in part because I had no time to get nervous and also I just speak from my heart.

Things seem to be moving fast in this direction and I may be faced with having to make some decisions. I'm remaining open and trusting the universe to lead I have not shut the door on the idea of my own business but perhaps now is not the time....I'm not feeling sad because I feel really connected to spirit right now.

I'm also trying not to read signs....that just usually spins me in circle but rather I am trying to balance staying open, thinking things through in a practical sense, and taking time to just get quiet.....and listen to my heart....to find that deep knowing.

If you wouldn't mind....I could use some energy, prayers, your thoughts, words of encouragement as I try to ride this new wave.

Childs Play

2008-03-04T01:33:00.001-06:00

My spy assignments never lived up to my imagination

my shoes didn't crunch like Steve Mcgarrett on gravel

My art projects left me disapointed, disatisfied

my scissors didn't kho-ech, kho-ech, kho-ech, like Mr.Dressups

My mom would not let me out of the house, with my dirty panties,

over-sized T'shirt and army boots.

"Pippi didn't have a mom", I yelled slamming my bedroom door.

so

instead

I made the squad like Marsha.

Played Joni loves Chachi

Married and moved to a little house on the prairie.

fifteen years later,

I got a divorce

then

dug

out

my

Army

Boots.

~Me

Capricorns

2008-03-02T01:44:00.001-06:00

I just read on somebodies blog who read on somebody elses blog that Capricorns grow up backwards......eeeeeeeeeeeeee......This makes sooooo much sense to me now. I was a somber child. I wanted to be taken serious, I had an old soul, I always hang out with people wayyyyyyyy older than me....Growing up people would tease my mom and I because of the way we spoke to each other and say which one is the kid......and now I finally feel like my mom is my mom and not my child, I love to play and find magic in life...I look for humour in everything.....I don't take myself soooo serious.....and most of my friends are under 30.....unless they are older than 90 in which case they are regressing back to their own childhoods so that doesn't count......ha

This is a revelation to me because nothing ever resonates with me as a capricorn.

Has anyone else heard of such traits in Capricorn?

perfection be gone

2008-03-02T00:00:00.002-06:00

my drums~

Moving energy around without the goal of perfection seems a constant struggle for me. I get so caught up in imagination I become stuck. shaking off the idea that there is a perfect plan, or that I have to wait for the perfect moment is the perfectionist in me...she is rigid and disciplined and does everything by schedule....the problem is she only exists in my mind. I know this does not represent who I really am but it is a way for me to feel in control of my life. It gives me a false sense of peace and tranquility. I have this huge fear I have uncovered, of becoming a train-wreck. I am trying to let go and just be. Now is the time, I have no more child to take care of. I am not responsible to anyone but myself.

To listen to my body and my spirit and feed and nourish it according to it's needs. I am throwing off the ideas that breakfast must be eaten in the a.m. and dinner at 5:00. Walks and moving my body don't have to be scheduled, I don't have to feel I failed if I missed my 5:30 am walk or my set yoga schedule....I can simply move my body when it calls to me. I must gently tell the voice in me that says 7:00pm is not yoga time and understand my body tells me what it needs ....and it needs to stretch when it needs to stretch.

If I can't sleep and wake at 3:00am and my heart is dying to muck about and create art....I will give myself permission to do that, now is the time, live in the moment, sleep will come when it does.

If the open road is calling I can let it take me and I will simply pack my camera bag.

I am a whimsical, queer, silly-heart and I am going to express her and not suppress her....in doing so I honour myself and learn to trust in my deep knowing...and become closer to my authentic self

Handle with Care

2008-01-23T13:32:00.001-06:00

Scraping the bottom of the pan,

she scours again and again.

A compulsion now.

She can't accept

it's perfectly seasoned.

Beginning the task, once more

She tries in vain

to uncover a reflection

she can live with,

Yet what hides beneath

are only pitted etchings.

Proof pudding

of careless handling

and continual use.

~Me

My Mom

2008-01-20T12:57:00.001-06:00

This is a picture of my mom making a snow angel on a dare....she literally jumped out of the car while we were out looking at Christmas lights....our first Christmas together in 13 years.

It's been a long year for my mom....taking care of her dying boss....her life has been on hold for the last 3-4 years....The more she gave the more her spirit seemed to fade...I know she misses him but he had an amazing life and she made sure he was happy right until his final breath.....It's so wonderful to see her returning to herself again....I've missed her so. We are back to our long late night chats, and when we are together we laugh our asses off. I am so grateful for her presence and her awe inspiring ways.

After Christmas she forgot one of her scarves it inspired this poem.

Mommy

I love when you write on your cards

"to my little girl" and it doesn't matter

you couldn't say it then.

You were just a little girl yourself really.

I love that you will wipe my tears

and hug me hard, and it doesn't matter

you couldn't comfort me then.

I know you were a little girl,

with a runny nose who never got hugs.

I love that your the one

who laughs at all my jokes, and it doesn't matter

that I don't remember your smiles.

Nothing funny about being the brunt of the litter.

I love that you left your scarf for me,
and it doesn't matter, you had to leave

it holds your signature scent,

with every breath.....I feel

your love,

your, warmth,

your laughter.

I love how you do the things that were once so hard
and it doesn't matter where we were, only
how far we've come.

~Me

Blogger Buds

2008-01-20T02:03:00.000-06:00

I'm on a hunt for new readers, muses, sillyhearts, and womyn bloggers who long to share heart and spirit....I have to figure out a way to invite my favorite bloggers to come and play!.....so if I make a hit on your site leave a comment with your link.

2008 life lists

2008-01-07T00:44:00.000-06:00

25 things I never get tired of

-Karma by LUSH
-music
-candles
-essential oils
-dogs
-fresh sheets
-skinny dipping
-libraries
-beaches
-road trips
-bookstores
-angel cards
-midnights under the stars
-tea
-foot rubs
-barefeet
-garden tomatoes
-board games with friends
-cafes
-writing
-playing with my camera
-listening to my son play his music
-drawing
-dancing
-junk stores

Womyn Land

2007-11-16T15:07:00.001-06:00

I remember whispers of the hippie dyke who lived on the land.....I would see her in town every once in a while.. a friend of a friends....Long hair, always a walking stick in hand, a few long chin hairs she seemed to grow proudly,..Mother Earth Type....I was sooooo intrigued.

Somebody once said she let other lesbians live with her who would help her work her land.

Years later I begin to work in womyn's circles....strong feminist activists....but still whispers....lesbian is still a secret word....even in womyn affirming places where we should feel safe, I am left with the impression, lesbian is still not something we speak about openly.....but I listen carefully and read between the lines and check out some old books. What I discover is that communities of lesbians exist....but where? I search to no avail....how does one find these special womyns' places ......I let it go....but over the years I wonder.....did they ever really exist?....I still dream now and then of living in a place full of womyn energy .....of co-existing equally and striving for a safe loving community that tries to live lightly on this earth with reverence and celebrating the cycles....where womyn gather to cook, sing, dance....and challenge ourselves in love and life.

Flash forward 10 years I'm out now and living in a city....and stumble on a beautiful book ...Awakening, An almanac of Lesbian Lore and Vision...by Nett Hart, Lee Lannin and other word weavers....excerpt...."The concept of 'autocony suggests a community in which we learn to depend on each other in new ways, recognizing that there is a difference between depending on somebody and being dependent on them" proof that such places existed.

I want to live like this.....has anyone heard or experienced such places....there must be a few crones out there who remember the day....I'd love to hear your stories....

- ever heard of such places?

- would you live communally with a group of other womyn?

-what do you dream it to be like?

-Do you have a story to share?

Self Portrait Challenge

2007-11-16T08:47:00.000-06:00

For many years I would dread the thought of Winters arrival. Then It occurred to me that the people who enjoyed winter embraced it. I asked myself what it would take to for me to embrace winter. Warmth! I thought it was an impossibility when temperatures in these northern parts of Canada could dip below -40 celc. throw wind chill on top of that, and you have a Canadian Popsicle in a matter of seconds.

Then I discovered the "Arctic Parka" It even has kidney warmers, flints you warm in the oven then insert into it's own carrier and slip into pockets sewn inside made especially for these winter treasures. It comes down to my knees and has an extra deep hood with fur trim. (don't judge me)

No mall walking for this chick....I do the moonlight river walk on the ice.

Welcome Winter!!

You are my lighthouse

2007-11-15T22:19:00.010-06:00

Ana, you are my lighthouse..........

firmly standing, at the foundation, a strenghth

that comes from a soul prepared to take whatever

the elements of time toss and blow your way

you remain still, unchanged except for the charm of your weathered shell

that holds the beauty of the ancient stairway.

winding, it carries one to a place where things are seen from a different perspective

shedding light on potential disasters, safely illuminating what has been lost in darkness.

you shelter those from the storm, comfort and warmth is your offering

wise in your ways, you know the storm will pass

and they will return again and again to seek your gifts.

Instinctive knowing, sure and solid

a haven for those who have lost their way.

2007-11-15T22:19:00.008-06:00

04 Dec 2006

you are where I found my strength
Current mood: I forgot to tell you I love you!

No more shame precious one, no more hiding who you are.

I see you were the one who brought us through it.

demon's haunting a baby's soul, toddler, kid and then... you came.

you did what you had to....it was good what you did

A survivor among survivors....you could have chosen so many things...begger, lier, addict, thief....but all you wanted was love.

you withdrew....more survivors instict tarnished by secrets, burdoned with them alone for sooo long...you held it in.

You took it all, the judgements, the looks the whispers....you even believe them yourself now and then.

But now you have me....and I'm ready to see

I see the fight you had in you....when all anybody else chose to see was bad girl and victom.

It was only a disguise to be worn for a while.

for you were determined and driven beyond what they could see.

While others received there sports trophy's and picked out there prom dresses

you were soul searching before they even knew what a soul was....no awards for wounds that heal, for taking it cause you had no choice no medals around your neck were worn for holding on to hope when others would have given up.

You did it alone...there were no cheerleaders, no pep talks...just your raw need to have what others take for granted.

you did it silently, you did it with grace.....and all through it you kept your heart open and empty of bitterness.

Others would not believe what you have endured, they couldn't bare the story.

It's time to take your credit, it's time to take your bow

for you are where I found my strength.

~Me

resist VS. release

2007-11-15T22:19:00.006-06:00

soft folds of flesh, apparent, anguish, abandoned

I try to ignore the aching, automatic, arrousal

It persists,... lustful, long-suffering, lack,

feeling the satiny liqiud, leaves, more longing

always there now...deep, driving, and demanding

selfconscious, secret, I try to detach, and defy my desire

It persists at my attempts, pulsing, perilous, pain

I give into it now, the pull, persists while I percolate

I crave release, I scramble to strip in a stupor

My hand reaches down, fingers sinking into swollen skin

eyes closed, images elevate. the enevitable end

everything leaves my mind, edging to electric, explosion

domesticity......ick

2007-11-15T22:19:00.005-06:00

Why do so many lesbians my age want to play house.....settle into domestic bliss....I'm not talking "who's the man?" though I have seen a lot of butch/femme couples eager to fall into the traditional lifestyle.....It's like everyone I meet has had some fantasy of this Norman Rockwell life even if it is June and Jennifer Cleaver or Marrianne and Marcy Cuningham .....Is it just me?....Is my perception off?....do I attract this?.....I was married for 15 years to a male I lived the white picket fence life...been there done that.....Is it that this is our only model of what relationship is?

I want to re-define what being a couple means, I want to carve out a relationship unique unto itself.....I want a creative union...I want variety and adventure and I want to keep coming back to my partner and recreating us over and over.

Am I dreaming of the impossible?

silent obsession

2007-11-15T22:19:00.004-06:00

thoughts turn to you.......I imagine what it would be like

to just surrender to the fantasy.....could I be brave enough

just for one night.....you've hinted....I've read between your lines

the energies there.....we are breathless everytime we are near

forbidden passion could lead us somewhere dangerous

our bodies close...barely touching...the distance keeps us safe

I can feel your heart beating...or is that mine....

blood rushing..pulse in my ear...I hear nothing...only my thoughts

just a gentle touch...a brush of the fingers as I walk by

give me a sign....I know you think the same

too much hesitation when we have other things to do

I take it further in my mind....I pretend to brush a crumb from your t-shirt

you grab my wrist and pull me into you....pressing, we stare

we've waited for this moment for soooo long....too long

it should be sweet it should be gentle...but we are frenzied

we can't wait to balance the resistance....the emptyness that has remained between us.

It's rough and panicked and we don't mind....this wanting that had been suppressed for an eternity.

we are like animals now tearing and biting at each other releasing one anothers pain....we sound like wild beasts ......we've gone mad...we both fight for release that comes in unison and last for what seems like hours.....slowly...fading

into each others arms...tears and sobs give way to sweet tenderness at last

then and now

2007-11-15T22:19:00.002-06:00

I thought love.....
Category: Romance and Relationships

I thought love..... was hiding under the surface to preserve your integrity

I thought love.... would be relieved if I went first

I thought love.... knew better than me when it asked....why wait?

I thought love .....was big when it finally gave into itself

I thought love....was stronger than me

I thought love .....was so unselfish when I first found it

I thought love....was different from all the rest

I thought love....was something I could count on

I thought love.....would stay the course

I thought love.....would help make me stronger

I thought love.....would be there when I needed it most

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

now I know....loves integrity surfaced when I let you go

now I know ....relief when I love me first

now I know......I knew better

now I know.....my love is big!

now I know......love made me stronger

now I know.....it's not selfish to love me first

now I know.....then rest just love differently

now I know.....there is only one person you can count on

now I know.....I can stay the course

now I know.....I can help myself to love

now I know....I don't "need" love....I can be love